There’s something about laying on a trampoline with the static crackling around you every time you move, and a good friend laying next to you, that makes you forget about the rest of the world for a bit.
Sometimes we all need to forget about everyone else and everything else, and even ourselves… Just for a while. The hard part is dragging our thoughts away from those topics. All the time we try it seems impossible, and then without us even realising, all of the feelings that have been tearing us apart drift away for a while without us even making an effort.
I experienced this today. I’ve been trying to feel normal ever since I first felt like I wasn’t. I’ve been trying to find something to make me feel like myself again. I thought it was the important things that I missed, but it’s the little things that add up to make a difference, and in doing so become even more important than the obvious things.
Today it was something as simple as getting out of my house, and sitting on somebody else’s sofa, talking about school and normal teenage things and university and summer (and of course sunbathing on a trampoline) that made me feel human again. It sounds so simple, and I’m sure it probably makes me sound very pathetic. But I thought that I had found my limit. I didn’t want to spend time around myself and I didn’t think that other people would want to either. What I really needed was a break from my own company. And today I realised that. I can’t go very far without a wheelchair (so I just don’t really go anywhere), I don’t have a lot of energy to do anything, and I’m bad at starting conversations because I just don’t know what to say.
I felt awful today when I woke up. I didn’t know how I was going to get out of bed. But after stuffing myself with some tablets and a couple of injections I got out of bed, and I started to feel better (better than I have for weeks, actually), and I took advantage of that and met up with my friend. Like normal people do. We didn’t have to go anywhere or do anything or post pictures online like everyone else our age seems to be doing at the moment (if I see another picture of people drinking in a foreign country somewhere I might actually break my laptop), we just chilled out.
And then I took further advantage of he good day and went to a bookshop.
I spent the last of my money on a couple of books (obviously… as it is a book shop… Excuse me, I’m tired). As well as writing, and (re)starting to learn Spanish again, I have been reading a lot lately. It stops my mind from wandering to the places where I don’t want it to go (which is pretty much everywhere at the moment) and thinking about the things that I’m trying to forget (pretty much everything). I’m trying to find things that I can still do.
With free time and not a lot to do with it, people over-think. And then little things become huge issues and we collapse under the weight of our own neuroses. When we’re left alone to think our brains run back through every single regrettable thing we have ever done, or run forward, painting out a future more bleak and bland than the one that is probably waiting to meet us.
I have to leave the house tomorrow at eight in the morning and spend the day in London seeing various different consultants about different malfunctioning body parts. I’m not looking forward to it, and usually I would be freaking out right about now; but instead of doing that, I let myself get lost in a book, and focussed on somebody else’s fictional life instead of my own patheticness (yes I know that isn’t a word).
Step six to getting out of a rut in life:
There are going to be good days. Enjoy them. Make them count. Don’t worry that they are going to end, don’t think about what might happen tomorrow, or how you might feel in a few hours’ time. Just appreciate the moment, and remember the feeling. One day it will stay.
(I’m sorry about the standard of this post. Forgive me for the boredom it may have induced. After a few very good hours I now feel very unwell and I’m just writing to try and make my brain forget to make me feel ill… F.Y.I… It isn’t working.)