The night before we drove home, I slept for under an hour, despite extreme tiredness. The next morning I ached all over. My heart was still extremely grumpy. If I even thought about tensing the muscles in either of my legs I experienced delightful cramps (I’m kidding, when you’re squashed up in the back of a car it is totally not delightful). I managed to float into the car though (or at least, that’s how it felt, because my head still felt all spacey) We drove 450 miles through France without seeing a single cloud, and in the evening we finally made it home.
A load of hospital letters were waiting for me in the postbox when we walked through the front door, which kind of brought me back down to earth with a bump. A load of unpleasantness was stirred up pretty much instantly (it turns out I now freak out a little at hospital letters too. This is getting a bit ridiculous). They didn’t say anything that I don’t already know, but they reminded me of things that I’d been able to forget for a week. I still felt unwell. My friend messaged me asking if I was going to his 18th birthday party that night, and I had to decline, which made me feel like a pretty awful friend. Another friend messaged me and told me that she’s seeing someone, which then made my brain decide that I am going to be single for all eternity and end up old and lonely, because I am now the only person I know who isn’t (or hasn’t recently been in) a relationship. And despite all the other things going on with me and within me, I do still worry about normal teenage things… But I didn’t dwell on those thoughts… Because the postbox also had some other mail in it for me.
Now, I’ve mentioned the importance of little things before, how they are the things that matter. I’ve mentioned the power of words, and the fact that the thought behind a gesture such as this is more valuable than the actual thing itself… But I hadn’t done anything in particular to deserve anybody’s thoughts; it wasn’t my birthday or anything, I’d simply made it to university (and only just!). I never usually get ‘good’ post. I really wasn’t expecting cards.
I opened the first card, already touched that someone had taken the time to congratulate me on my results, and a cheque fell out. For a while now I’ve been trying (and failing) to save up for a new camera. I found one that was under half price but still too expensive for me to afford. And now it isn’t. I’ve wanted this camera for so long, and my parents agreed to loan me the rest of the money. So it felt like it actually was my birthday.
I then opened the second card. That one wished me good luck with my results. It meant more. The thought behind it made me so happy I nearly cried (I don’t know why my eyes keep trying to do that lately) And the words in it meant a lot, mainly because the last sentence was ‘Onwards and upwards!’
So in under five minutes, I came crashing down to earth with a bump, and then took off again. Because I like the sound of moving onwards and upwards. I felt a little empowered, which may seem very silly, but sometimes when somebody else says something it hits home a little more. Sometimes knowing that somebody else has (or in this case had) faith in you when you don’t, means more than words could ever describe. And I needed to hear that right then. Both gestures were incredibly thoughtful, and I was so surprised that I completely forgot about the other pieces of paper sat in front of me (seriously, I’ve lost them all…).
I finally found someone else who is living in my flat in university halls and we’ve been messaging each other (you have no idea how relieved I am that she is friendly!). While we were on holiday I received a confirmation email, which proved beyond any doubt that I have not, as I suspected, dreamt the fact that I will be starting university in less than a month’s time. My dog came home later on in the evening and demanded cuddles instantly (and then refused to sleep at any point during the night unless I was hugging him, despite the heat) So that made me feel very loved.
And then today, I asked my mum if I could order the camera that I’ve been talking about for weeks, and it turns out the parcel that got delivered while we were away… is a camera. She ordered it just before we went on holiday I guess. We’re going to pick it up tomorrow.
I’m falling asleep, and I don’t really know what this post was even about. But since I opened that card I have certainly moved onwards and upwards (and not just because I’m now upstairs). Isn’t it funny how people can affect each other? My faith in humanity has been restored a bit. I just have this completely overwhelming feeling that no matter what happens within the next couple of weeks, everything is going to be alright. Some words on a piece of card, from someone I didn’t expect to care about my life, had a much bigger impact than I think they were ever intended to. So thank you (I hope you read this). I wish I could bottle this feeling.
Forget climbing out of a bad place and falling back into it, those cards made me fly! (and I still haven’t hit the ground)