You don’t need to be great at something to be able to work at it. You don’t need to be fine to be able to carry on. You don’t always need weapons to fight. You don’t need to be a mountaineer to climb the mountains life puts in front of you. You don’t need to remain intact in order to be called strong.
There isn’t always going to be a team behind you, some days your safety net is going to be made of cheese wire, some days the hands that caught you will be the knife in your back and on some days you will feel like you’ve lost it all. And every time that is going to be difficult. Beyond difficult. And if you’re like me you’ll switch off, shut down, implode, explode, react the wrong way, do the wrong thing… But eventually you will find a way to switch back on the parts you shut down, feel the things you wouldn’t let yourself feel… And kick life right where it hurts. Sometimes we have to go it alone, just to realise that we can, just to prove that the part of us that wanted to give up and told us that we couldn’t cope was not correct as we let ourselves believe.
Over the last few weeks so much has happened that I wouldn’t know where to begin writing about it even if I was willing to try. Too many things went wrong in ways I could never have imagined, and life descended into chaos for a little bit. I shut down piece by piece, I fell apart, I nearly threw everything away, and each time I got back on my feet something else would happen. Then yesterday it was once again suggested that the smartest thing for me to do would be to leave university. That was the final straw. And my way of dealing with that, with dealing with the emotions that it generated on top of issues I already couldn’t deal with, was to drink cider all afternoon and then drag some people to the pub and continue to drink until I couldn’t stand. Because I didn’t know who to talk to, or where to turn, or what else to do. But today, somehow, I got a grip.
My thought right now is that no matter how desperate you feel, no matter how many times you wonder how on earth you are going to face tomorrow, no matter how many times you run out of ways to cope, no matter how desperately you want everything to stop for a second… The world will just keep turning. We think we have to carve a path for ourselves through troubled times, that if we don’t find a way to deal with our issues we will never make it through them, but sometimes carrying on is not the struggle we think it is; sometimes it is a passive, involuntary process. And you don’t have to know how it happens, you just have to trust that it will. Without meaning to, wanting to, trying to, or even knowing how… You will end up in a place where the sky isn’t quite so grey.