An Explanation

The reason I haven’t blogged for a while is because I’ve been in and out of hospital (my body is getting astoundingly good at this whole ‘fine one minute, nearly dead the next’ routine), trying to persuade the university to continue to let me study, and having a pretty monumental mental battle with myself. Most of my problems at the moment stem from myself. My immune system has the strength of a toddler (and not the angry, having a tantrum and surprisingly strong kind of toddler, but the ‘fallen asleep in the back of the car and adorably cute’ kind of toddler) it is letting anything and everything grow inside of me, which upsets pretty much every other part of me. And everything else… Well I’m not so much on the outside looking back at where I’ve been, but instead I’m still in a huge rut, trying to claw my way out (or, as this blog suggests, currently trying to write my way out of it). I reached a point where there was nothing left to give, reached out and found there was nothing left to hold. And I really, really needed there to be someone there. Sometimes people just don’t know how to be. Sometimes they have no idea they are needed at all. And sometimes they have no choice but to watch you fall.

So I tried to deal with things on my own except I didn’t deal with them. At all. I still can’t. And… I’m not ready to write this yet because I don’t know how to (but I feel like I have to write something, so excuse the following ramble). Sometimes there are no words. In the heat of the moment there is often too much blood to see the wound it is coming from. And emotionally right now I am haemorrhaging.

“And I know we all get low, but I don’t know how I’m gonna get up from this one, I really don’t” – Lauren Aqualina

When I’ve cleared up the mess I will pull the positives from it. When it’s safely in the past I will let it teach me about myself. Right now I am distorted but moments like this won’t shape who I am. There will be a tomorrow, and one day this will be something I look back and wonder how I got through. I have good friends. I have my university mum and dad. I have my parents. And yet none of them get it. I don’t get it. I’m just determined that ‘it’ won’t get me.

Sometimes you have to fight ten times as hard as everyone else just to stand beside them. It is nothing to be ashamed of. You just have ten times more fight inside of you, and even if you’ve spent it all and you have nothing left to give, you’re one step closer than where you were. Give up on yourself all you want. As long as you try again twice as many times. You may bleed emotion until there’s nothing left to bleed. It will be harder than you ever imagined it would be. One thing studying biomed has taught me is the complexity of the human body – what it goes through every second, the processes it carries out constantly, the never ending battle it fights just to stay alive… People are built to weather storms. Even the emotional kind.

Right now I’ve just got home from hospital –  a messy, unplanned admission where my body decided it needed help to stay alive, and very nearly wiped me off the planet again. I left without permission and came back to university wrapped in a blanket for a few hours as it was the last day of the semester. I took a friend back with me and eventually they let me out. Many areas of my life have been going wrong. Some of them are fixed. Some of them are being fixed. Some of them are breaking me. But tomorrow is another day. And all I can do is begin again.

“In three words I can sum up everything I have learned about life: it goes on” – Robert Frost



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