My ‘Stupid Reflex’

Motivation is not something I currently have a lot of… Nor is the ability to concentrate. This became particularly evident to me yesterday, when I found myself sitting in a physiology lecture (which I had thankfully already made all my notes on) ordering myself a tablet from an online shop, and overthinking pretty much everything I possibly could; which led to me freaking out about the impending doom that is exams, and then wondering if I was even going to be healthy enough to sit the exams I was freaking out about. Although my bank account at that moment was in tears about my late birthday present to myself, I (for once) managed to hold them in, which potentially (hopefully, definitely?) means that I am getting a grip on my emotions after a week of what I can only describe as complete emotional confusion.

I paused when I woke up this morning for a tiny moment of reflection, which I don’t normally allow myself but seemed pretty appropriate today. This time a week ago I was in a critical care unit, blissfully unaware that in about ten hours I was going to start fighting with some pretty destructive thoughts, only for a very stubborn individual to save me from myself by refusing to let me cut the ties that made me feel to guilty to act stupidly. I didn’t know how to live with the fear that the situation was going to repeat itself, most likely with a worse outcome. More significantly, I didn’t want to. In that moment I would have done anything, given anything, to escape from reality, and I was beyond the reach of words because that’s where I chose to place myself.

A few hours later I went to see The 1975 in concert and was suddenly hit by a wave of relief, and an overwhelming appreciation for absolutely everything that living allowed/ allows me to do. Which probably should have taught me that even when you give up – just keep going. Take a chance on yourself, because life rarely gets worse when you do. It was a stupid decision, to leave a critical care unit and go straight to a concert less than two hours later, but I felt more alive than I had in a long time. Which was awesome, even though the good mood was haunted by logical thought which reminded me that I was being a complete idiot.

And that’s when I started to get emotionally dizzy, because one minute I was facing these kind of emotions, and the next I was terrified by my own body and how quickly and seriously it could go wrong. I was also terrified by myself, and I was scared of trying to deal with everything alone. The thing is, there were people there, and had I let them they would have supported me through this as best as they could. But guilt stopped me. I just couldn’t do that to people, which meant I had entirely given up on myself, and obviously did not help the situation… at all.

I spent the last week screwing up, making wrong decisions that seemed right, pushing away people who would probably have stopped me falling, and ceasing contact with those who I know definitely would. Mostly I think I just didn’t want help this time. And that idea backfired but at least I was alive to let it backfire. I realise now that I gave up on them all – I gave up on the people who refuse to give up on me. And that was my biggest mistake, because I pushed, and nobody really pushed back. I once again succeeded where deep down I think I hoped to fail. (Stupid decision, see?) The only problem is that I now don’t have the heart to pull anybody back, they are now at a distance where I feel they are more protected from the current disaster of… me. And that’s comforting, because to me it means they will be happier, and less bothered should I suddenly… Leave the planet.

Anyway, I’m not really sure what this post actually was, but I have to go to lectures now. Time to attempt to human. So easy to write, yet for the past few days impossible to achieve. It’s almost like I have a ‘stupid reflex’ that kicks into action whenever I freak out, and I currently seem to have an issue in that all I seem to do is freak out. But this morning feels different. This morning (although I currently feel too ill to get out of the bed, which I have just realised may present a small problem in my attempt to walk two tube stops to get to my lecture on the medical school campus…) I just feel different. I feel like today might be ‘my day’.

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