I did it.
I managed to talk about things and be talked out of things. It wasn’t the plan, but I’m glad that it happened. I think. I kind of feel like my mind has been broken into and some of my thoughts were stolen, but the guilt that had been eroding me for the past few weeks briefly subsided and it was quite a relief not to have those thoughts bouncing off the inside of my skull any more. I cried a little, but managed to wipe away the tears before they reached my cheeks. It wasn’t the time or the place to let them fall.
I tried my best to human after that. I met my friend for lunch and we went to grab pizza at my favourite Italian restaurant. I have mastered the art of acting ok, but reality just doesn’t feel… Real, at the moment. I spent the day wearing the t-shirt I bought at the concert I was at this time last week (which feels like so much longer than 7 days ago) to try and cling to the same feelings that overwhelmed me then. It was kind of like walking around London in a comfort blanket.
I had a discussion earlier in the day about exams (right after I was done crying at one of my university parents). Our winning theory was that exam stress will hopefully push some of the current stress out of my brain (I hope so, because there isn’t room for both!). There was a suggestion that cake may be provided if I get a first, and that seems to be what is expected of me by that particular individual, which stresses me out because I think I’m probably going to fail at least one exam. I spent half of last semester in hospital, and I’m still hours behind on those lectures, so I’m not expecting too much of myself.
Funnily enough, my exam timetable was then put online (or at least, I only just discovered it). Two exams a week. For four weeks. Goodbye May. My personal challenge is to make it that far, and be well enough to sit my exams. People have way too much confidence in me, and my eleven hours a day of studying last semester has long since diminished to the two hours of lectures I manage to stay awake for before crawling back into bed and sleeping the rest of my day away. I don’t know when I’m going to find the time to write up my lecture notes or make up on the lectures I missed, let alone revise from them; as a result, my immediate reaction to the sight of my exam timetable was “Kill it with fire, it cannot exist.” Unfortunately, it does, and I have already boarded the exam stress express… 49 days before my first exam.
On the plus side, I’ve finally pulled myself out of my own little emotional tornado to be able to clearly look ahead to exams, which is awesome, and a direct result of the long conversation I had earlier with my university parent. Lectures give me a reason to get out of bed in the morning, and exams give me a reason to stay alive now I guess. I have something to prove, not just to myself, but to the people who told me I won’t finish with a first at the end of this year. The worst that can happen is that I die trying, but hey, that almost happened the other day anyway.
So… all aboard the exam stress express, I guess.