Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. _____ THUMP. Thump. Thump Thump. Thump. ____ THUMP thump. Thump. Thump _____ THUMP.
My heart has hiccups. Premature ventricular contractions, if you want to get all scientific about it. The bottom chambers of my heart regularly contract before they are filled. I feel a pause, then it feels like my heart rolls over, then comes the thump (that’s so hard it almost makes me cough) as the top chambers catch up on the next beat and normality resumes. It happens every sixth beat. Sometimes more regularly, but never less. Harmless, unless there’s a big long string of them without any normal beats in between (which is a potentially fatal heart rhythm, but that’s not going to happen so it’s all ok). I’m not sure whether or not to venture out of my denial and show a little more bother to the fact this has now been happening for over 24 hours. I call my heart ‘Skippy’, because it used to skip a lot, and it amuses me a little that after a few months of no bother at all (other than when it is stressed out by other health issues), it is living up to its name.
The rest of the whole heart situation seems to have deteriorated in response to the ‘heart hiccups’… Or maybe it was the trigger of them… Who knows? I get out of breath walking from one side of a room to the other, which has been the case for the past few days but has now deteriorated to the point where I end up panting like I’ve just sprinted 100m. The dizziness and the fatigue were also turned up a notch. (Ok, so upon reflection I will admit I should probably be bothered now) But I’m trying and failing to deal with a lot of health things at the moment. Things that, until the past few days, were affecting me an awful lot more, and are still placing me in a dangerous and delicate situation that could put me in a morgue if I don’t give it the respect it demands.
Being on the edge all the time is not only physically exhausting, but it bled me dry emotionally as well (I guess I ended up on the edge mentally too). It got to the point where I couldn’t cope at all. I gave up on the one person who would probably still be there if I gave them a chance to be, and I lost it (probably long before I made that decision). I scared myself with the things I considered, the route I considered taking, and how much I ached to act upon it, just to get off of this… Whatever this is. I didn’t know how to do it any more. I didn’t know how to feel all of this with nobody to talk to who understood it, and nowhere to let it out. The reality is that I have to. There is nothing else to do. No matter how many directions I run in, how badly I want everything to stop, or how much I long for just a moment of normality… Time is going to keep on passing, and it is going to drag me through all of this with it, even if I kick and scream.
There never was any way but through. There never will be. Whether I am weak or strong in the face of this, whether I’m scared of it or accepting, I am somehow going to end up on the other side of all of this. Someday. Somehow. Enough other people have.
My way of dealing with things that are breaking me is either to break (as you will partially comprehend if you’ve been reading my blog posts over the past couple of weeks)… Or to act like everything is fine and shut it all out. I either run or I hide. Fight or flight (Basically, I don’t deal with it at all). Unless there’s someone there to talk to, someone I can trust to stand in the headlights with me and shield me from the impact with their words (currently not an option). So after the (almost) two hour appointment in which I surprised even myself by crying at the conversations that I couldn’t face having (even though a little hope and some ideas were offered this time in place of the lack of suggestions and resulting hopelessness that the previous couple of appointments filled me with)… The only way to stop the shaking and to shut off the tears was to block all of it out. Not just that particular issue, but all of it. And when I woke up the next morning, the emotional ache, the thought that said Help, I can’t do this again, not another day, make it stop, the lead weight I had been crushed under… Was gone. I wasn’t happy, but I could breathe a little easier (obviously not literally because… well you get the picture).
So I don’t want to start being bothered by the heart hiccups. I don’t want to bother any doctors, and I don’t want to see any doctors. Talking about it makes it all real, it makes it impossible to pretend that this isn’t an issue. And I don’t want to do that. Because whoever came up with this saying was completely right – ignorance is bliss.
The only way I can walk this path at the moment is blindfolded. When I see the monsters that I share it with, I fall to my knees.
(Sorry to moan a lot, but this blog is the only place I have to let everything out. I don’t know what I’d do without it, the likes I get on these posts really mean a lot… But I can only apologise if you’re sick of hearing about all of this. I am equally as sick of thinking about it. I know how lucky I am, and I forget to share the positives because they don’t eat me alive if I don’t let them out. Anyway, thanks for putting up with it. Since I started this blog so many people have walked away from me because of stuff like this, but I’ve gained some followers and a few likes, and that is more than an ample replacement. The blogging community is kind of awesome. Thank you all.)