Dealing with my health backfired horribly. Stupidly I decided to involve my mum, thinking the situation there had changed, and after getting in a mood and waiting in the car while I went to see the GP at a walk in centre, she completely broke down when the doctor said I needed to go to A&E, and pretty much said she wasn’t taking me there. And it broke my heart to watch her lose it. She told me she was done. She told me I was killing her. She told me she couldn’t take it any more and let out all of her frustration (which I completely understand and don’t blame her for at all) at the cause of it – me. I rapidly lost the will to live as she went on about how the family would be happy without my health and that I had no idea the impact I have on the family dynamic (I do, and the guilt and self hatred for that was already there). She shouted for almost an hour, and I knew I just had to let her vent, I just wished it wasn’t at me. I tried not to cry as I fell apart from the inside. But eventually I sobbed. Ugly, unstoppable sobbing. So much I was nearly sick.
And then my dad and little brother got home and it was 2 parents vs me. And I just sat. And listened. And hated myself more and more until I couldn’t even let my dog near me because I couldn’t understand how anyone or anything could possibly care about me. I felt like less than dirt. And my mum sat down next to me and I thought she was going to hug me but she was so frustrated and tired and upset that she went off on one again. And there was nothing left to break. Then she genuinely wanted a hug and couldn’t understand why I could hardly look at her. I gave in. I did what she said. I said sorry over and over but it meant nothing to her and she just kept going. She said today she didn’t mean it but this happens over and over. She said she understood how difficult it was for me but she doesn’t. She started a cycle of self hatred and self destruct that I don’t know how to stop.
But now I’m at the hospital. Not with my mum. She’s working. I didn’t feel too bad, but the swelling in my legs spread to my abdomen. They were totally calm until they did an ECG. The nurse repeated it. The panic rippled through to the doctors until they called me through to the room the doctor was sat in and put me on a trolley, essentially making me skip the two hour queue, due to concern about the state of my heart.
I’m stuck in majors (by myself, my parents currently have no idea what is going on), and they’re talking about the possibility of decompensated heart failure or something, and saying I have to stay for several nights at least. They think it’s been significantly worsened by either arrhythmia or a clot on my lungs. Dear heart – could you just not? The doctor that just saw me was young, totally hilarious and a bit of a legend, he went to the rival London med. school of my uni and is totally chilled about my epically failing heart. I just want some diuretics and then I’m all good. I can’t do this to my family again. Killing them is killing me. In fact, it killed the person I was a long time ago. I thought there was nothing left to break. I was wrong.
I’ve broken a part of me that I’ve always treasured – my mother. And I don’t know how to live with that. Mum, if you ever read this, I’m so so sorry. You kept asking how you ended up with a kid like this and I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry it was me, and I needed a place to vent too (my mum is amazing and I love her so much. We all break.)
Update: Great. Now my diabetes is super upset by the heart failure. So they are having to treat me for this too. I just want to finish my exams. I’ve so nearly survived my first year of university. So. Nearly.
The right side of my heart is dead to me (almost literally, as it turns out, it’s being a particular idiot today)
The doctor told me that my attitude to everything and the way I’m dealing with it is inspirational, and that I have an awful lot of health problems for one so young which made me even more admirable. Firstly, what was I supposed to do other than live through that moment? Secondly, I was smiling to stop myself crying about my mum. Nobody really has any idea. Even I didn’t.
Like I said, I was wrong. There was so, so much more left to break.
I’m sorry that this is so random, I’m blogging to feel less alone and am aware this is a pile of rubbish. If you made it this far then thank you!