(This post is a little odd/ probably a load of rubbish, but as I laid with my heart breaking and failing at the same time I realised there was something I wanted to say. (Give this post a chance? Hopefully it makes more sense nearer the end))
Thank you to everyone who ever gave up on me. Doctors who ‘ran out of ideas’ when there were other (admittedly drastic) options all along, university staff who looked at the situation I had been in and doubted I would get grades anywhere near those I wanted at the end of the year, who (it felt like) washed their hands of me when I needed their support the most; to the friends who walked away, to the people who promised me I could trust them and then disappeared… To the people who drove me closer to death than any illness ever could… Thank you.
At first the only message I could take from your actions was that I wasn’t worth trying for; that the things I wanted were never going to happen, the things I had were too good to be true and the things that I have are too good to last.
There were times that I gave up on myself with you, but more often than not there were times when I have up on myself because of you – because the seeds of self doubt that you planted grew into mighty oaks I could not chop down. As life shrunk my willpower, the mole hills you left in your wake became mountains upon whose rocky faces I met feelings I had never encountered before; feelings that told me to climb higher so the fall would be fatal. Feelings that blinded me to the view at my feet.
I consumed your poison even when you no longer poured it into my ear. It multiplied inside of my head like a virus – your thoughts of me slowly replacing my own. My mind generates your poison for itself now in quantities far larger than you could ever have made them. It keeps me awake at night. It hurts – the burning away of who I was, of who, thanks to you, I will never be again.
You let me fall to the places you once protected me from. You left me alone in situations you promised I wouldn’t have to cope with by myself. You told me there was nothing you could do to change the course of my health. And when I reached out, when I tried to mend the bridges that were burned, when I needed support more than ever… you turned your backs. Each and every one of you. And if the fall was terrifying, hitting the cold rock of your betrayal hurt like I had never hurt before. Each and every one of you, each and every time.
I’d love to say I don’t need you now – I do. I need you now more than ever. I need people to be there more than ever. And that’s a tough time to realise few people are willing to do exactly that. So why am I thanking the people who broke me?
Because even though I hit rock bottom, I picked up some pretty amazing things from the gutter I found myself laying in. I learned lessons about humanity. I learned that even those you trust can’t really be trusted. I learned not to depend. And in doing so, I learned the strength of myself.
Slowly but surely you taught me that I can take on the world and win. You taught me to lower my expectations of everyone to avoid getting hurt. You taught me that I can function with a broken heart, which is good to know because it’s currently letting me down just like you did.
You taught me that I can function without the parts of me you bruised and crushed and stole.
You taught me that beaten down battered me with nothing left to give, no energy left to fight and almost no support, can take on the world, and her own mind, and near death…
And make it through.
Right now, laying in a coronary care unit, beaten down and battered and with not a lot left to give… I’m incredibly grateful for that lesson. If I can survive the things you put me through, I can survive whatever my heart throws at me.
But if anyone wants to step back into my life, PLEASE be there for me now. Yes I’m pleading with you, I will even beg if you want. I’m lonely. This is tough. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry because I gave up on you too.