One More Night

“Finally home!” Is what you’re expecting me to say after my last post, right? It’s what I want to be the case, believe me. 

Unfortunately I am still stuck in what now feels like a prison , and yes I disconnected myself from stuff to take this photo, hence the -?- on the screen of the machine

When the nurse walked in and said the doctor had told her I wouldn’t be going home today, I completely (but thankfully very, very briefly) hit a wall. I thought at this stage I would cry and become a complete emotional mess, but somehow I stuffed all the pain under the rug of my disappointment, picked myself up, and kept going. This is not the time to lose it. (I am acting happy in such a way that even my brain is partially convinced everything is ok. Denial, on this occasion, is working fantastically.)

I’d just got back from my ultrasound scan (during which we discovered that I can stand perfectly fine but that walking makes me so fantastically dizzy I either zig zag or have to hold onto a wall). I was cautiously optimistic. I had everything packed up already and was happily stuffing my face with food (two lunches, because I was super hungry). 

Leaving the side room I’ve been confined to for five days was actually fantastic. It was awesome to remove all the wires for a little bit. My hazy memories of arriving here on Saturday had been mixed with imagined visions of what the coronary care unit looked like. The pictures in my mind were completely wrong. I must have been a bigger mess than I remember.

The porters in this hospital are complete legends – the one that took me to my scan was really friendly, and the one that brought me back to the coronary care unit had a degree in architecture and design, had lived in America, and had once owned his own company making sculptures out of all sorts of materials including ice and stone! I told that him I was going home, and we talked about my exam tomorrow. After a bit of friendly banter he wished me the best of luck, and just ten minutes later I was sat staring out of the window asking myself what came next, feeling like I’d been punched in the gut.

So I did the only thing I could think to do – I ordered enough pizza to feed four people (which was actually cheaper than one pizza, a side and a drink), and as a result I am currently wallowing in food heaven. 

Yes, I ordered all of this food to myself. Yes, the student nurse almost died of shame as she went to collect it for me and carried this amount of salty, fatty food onto a coronary care unit. Yes, it was necessary. No, I have no regrets. Pizza will always be the best medicine… right after dogs

I think I’m a tiny bit tougher than I thought I was. I’m not sure where it came from, but I needed it now. Guess I’m missing tomorrow’s exam, and I’m fully prepared for the meltdown when I leave here and have time to think about that. For today, I have some pizza to enjoy, and I plan to spend the night watching Family Guy, playing video games on my tablet, and generally trying to pretend I’m anywhere but here.

A couple of months ago the only person I trusted at the time (one of my university parents, naturally) told me I just had to keep on keeping on as I sat before them wanting to give up. They are words I’m living by at the moment. I don’t want to lose whatever it is I’ve suddenly gained. 

I haven’t done this at the end of a post in a very long time, but step no. (Whatever number we are now at) to getting out of a rut in life is most definitely:

Keep on keeping on

So I cross my heart and I hope to die

That I’ll only stay with you one more night

And I know I said it a million times

But I’ll only stay with you one more night”

Maroon 5 – One More Night

(Also words I’m living by at the moment)


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