When ‘If’ Replaces ‘When’

When dealing with things that can’t be fixed, there comes a point when the word ‘if’ replaces the word ‘when’.

If you go back to uni in September.”

If you’re well enough to live on your own.”

If there’s any point looking for a flat for next year.”

If you can leave the house without a wheelchair.”

If the uni will let you back.”

If you get more support from somewhere.”

If you’re up to it.”

If your health improves.”

If the next year of university is as difficult as the last…”

If you even passed your exams this year – you don’t even have 1/3 of a degree yet, you haven’t even sat two of them.” (That one was the man I call Dad, thanks for that!)

Questions are raised where once before there was certainty. And every single time my brain responds with a panicked what do you mean, if? Of course I will/ will be. 

But what if I’m not?

Because honestly, my way of dealing with the ‘ifs’ has been to push them from my mind. Particularly one ‘if’ that my mum keeps pushing and pushing until my mind shuts itself off and crumples in on itself and curls into a defensive ball to shut the ‘if’ out…

The thought of not returning to uni for my second year is currently too much to deal with. Uni is… The best thing that ever happened to me. I have the most amazing friends there, like a second family. I don’t know what I’d do without them or how I ever smiled without their friendship. At uni I feel like myself, and I don’t screw up anywhere near as often. I feel more independent, I’m treated like a 20 year old, and my thirst for knowledge is constantly quenched – I love nothing more than sitting in the medical school library (it’s an old converted church with a few leather armchairs dotted about and I mean could a library be any more perfect?) and reading through a textbook on endocrinology or something just because it is there and I can. Too many times I have sat back and watched my friends advance through another year of their education without me. I re-staretd a year of sixth form because I spent the entirety of it in hospital the first time round (and the year before it), I started in a new year group and experienced bullying about my health that still rocks my world when I think about it… I don’t want to be the kid from the year above that got pulled back again.

(I feel I should put a little trigger warning here for the next part)

My mum has told me she can’t deal with having me in this house for a year, which is fair enough because I couldn’t deal with being here either… But what would I do? Honestly? You want the honest answer? You want to know what I nearly did in November when the university pushed me to interrupt my studies for a year, and in doing so pretty much asked me to give up my entire life/ the only place that felt like home/ the only thing I was good at… for an entire year? You want to know what my brain wanted to do in response to being told that my extenuating circumstances claims probably wouldn’t count, that I couldn’t go to my personal tutor about personal problems, that I wasn’t allowed to consult any other members of staff either except from under circumstances that were never made clear and contradicted the initial statement? I’d kill myself, I think. I almost did. I sat in my shower in halls that first night crying, with all the tablets I owned and a razor blade, and I didn’t want to die, I just wanted all the feelings to stop. I never did anything with the razor blade or the tablets (well, I may have cut myself shaving at some point, but that doesn’t count)

The only way to stop the urge, the despair that was so intense it was almost a physical aching… Was to drink. I couldn’t get out of bed without at least a bottle of cider in me beforehand – it was the only way I could face reality. I was too scared to go to my uni parents for… reasons I won’t mention. I couldn’t go to my personal tutor, that had been made clear. I felt so, so alone. So, so unsupported. So I turned to the only thing that was there for me – alcohol. For five days I drank until I was too drunk to feel, mellowed out enough to function. I didn’t know what else to do. There were people all around me and at the same time there was nobody there. I would walk through campus in tears, groaning (quietly but involuntarily) in emotional pain as the sobs tore their way out of me. And in my entire life I have never felt so alone. But I didn’t sign their paperwork. I wrote them a letter explaining why not. I got one of my consultants to write a few letters (he was equally as outraged, and said other people had experienced similar problems with my university before). I melted down at the psychologist that was supposed to be helping me with my emotions surrounding my physical health issues (because that’s what she specialises in). But no tears. In front of her, anyway (we spent most of our appointments talking about university at first instead of the health stuff, how messed up is that? To be fair, I never really talk to her properly, I’m not good at talking to people. And when I nearly died again a few weeks later, I didn’t care that I might die, I cared that the university might find out, and this time there were no uni parents to get me through).

I fought to get through that first year of university, mostly by myself; they didn’t want me there (or so it felt), I didn’t feel supported. But I did it. I made it through. Just about alive. I can’t give up on that now. That’s like fighting a war, winning, and giving up everything you fought for in the first place.

University is the route to who I want to be, it’s a comfort blanket, it’s an addiction, a drug, a distraction… In all honesty, it’s all I ever wanted. For two years the thought of getting out of my home town, away from the past and the present that I hated, was the thing that kept me going. For the past year, university has been the only thing that got me out of bed in the morning, even when things looked so pointless I could easily have given up (still somehow defying those odds… Hope my card isn’t called any time soon). I’m surrounded by people with similar interests, lecturers treat me like an adult; they love nothing more than to discuss their subject, and I love nothing more than absorbing the knowledge that overflows from their brains. University is heaven. I have genuinely spent the last year living my dream. What if you had to let that go? Interrupt for a year… Would you ever get well enough to go back, or would you continue to deteriorate?… What if? If…

And so I cannot think about the ‘ifs’ at the moment. I don’t have the energy to go through another year at university like the one I have experienced – the lack of support meant I really struggled to cope and very nearly threw my life away far too many times. I can’t go through that again. It wrecked my physical health because I pushed myself far too hard, afraid to show any weakness fro them to exploit, unsupported and scared and far too determined. I stayed out of hospital until I was almost dead because I was scared of how the university would react if they found out I was in hospital again. I have nothing left to give to it or to them. All I can do is replace the ‘ifs’ with ‘when’.

When I start my second year of university

When I get my own flat

When I pass my first year

When my health improves

When I get the support I so badly need and may just about possibly deserve (willing to fight for it this year, no longer as scared of big scary university people as I have been by the past few weeks of health hiccups).

Because there also comes a point when you have to take the word ‘when’ and use it to force out the ‘ifs’. 

I had two options over the past few days in light of these questions that started popping up EVERYWHERE – crumble, or figure out how to stay whole. This… This isn’t denial, this time. It’s something more constructive than that. It seems to be a fire. And I’m not sure where it came from, because there’s nothing left to burn – they took it all. Or so we all thought.

We’re all stuck in a cycle of ‘ifs’ and ‘whens’.

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” – Haruki Murakami

Thanks university – for breaking me, and for making me. I am so much more than you thought I was. Look at me now: Alive. Slowly recovering from the wounds you inflicted. Still not giving up somehow…

Still saying ‘when’

Advertisements

22 thoughts on “When ‘If’ Replaces ‘When’

  1. This feeling is horrible: the constant ifs, not knowing what’s going to happen.
    You need to be able to believe in yourself, yet also have plans in place 🙂 Believe in the whens, keep fighting it no matter how hard it is.
    I believe in you my lovely, and believe that you can beat this. It’s horrible when people don’t believe in you, but that’s why we go and prove them wrong.

    Prove them wrong, and own your life. I’m here if you need anyone who understands xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Most of the ifs are reasonable, logical points to make when looking at the future realistically. But realistically I should also probably have died quite a while ago, my body has given death enough opportunities! I find the only way not to be crushed is to remain ignorant of reality sometimes. I do hate the uncertainty, and I will definitely keep trying to overcome the obstacles that keep piling up in front of me. Thank you so much for your comment. You’re completely awesome and people like you and comments like this are why I write this stuff – in hope of finding someone who genuinely understands. Thank you. You’ve no idea how much it means to read what you just wrote. I feel we could be good friends!

      Like

      • They are reasonable, which makes them all the more painful. I had them last year, and my mum still regularly voices her fears now I’m on my own. It’s just preparing for the worst: I have an agreement with my best friend (who is also a diabetic!) and we keep nearly constant contact.
        Sadly it is about having plans in place, but we do need these.
        This is why I have my blog, to connect with people. It feels lonely but then I come here. The worse is always a possibility, so we prepare to beat it. I feel we would get on very well, you definitely understand how it is!

        Liked by 1 person

      • I usually expect the worst from everyone and everything, but after so many years of this attitude and constant ifs because of my health, I felt it was time to allow a little break in order not to actually break again (if that even makes any sense). My blog is exactly the same for me, it reconnects me with the world, I feel less entirely alone and more ok. I agree, I think we’d get along very well 😊

        Liked by 1 person

      • A break is allowed, we need breaks! My condition is a fairly fairly new revelation , and reading of your troubles throughout your life is inspiring. Just don’t allow yourself to break my lovely, do everything you can to not allow it. People not understanding how it is is horrible, but you’re not alone.
        I wish you all the best, stay safe, and I’m here if you need ❤ xxx

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thank you so much, I don’t really know what else to say. I’m not really sure how my life is inspiring but thank you so much for saying so. The same goes to you, I mean it. You’ve really made me smile, seriously just… Thank you for this conversation.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I literally can’t even… Until pretty much now I’ve only ever felt pathetic and ungrateful about the way I deal with everything. I know it could be worse and I’m lucky and I feel so guilty for not being ok with it all sometimes. But now I feel a little bit… Strong? I don’t even know how you just did that but I AM FEELING ALL THE FEELS… I cannot thank you enough. See, this is why blogs are awesome. And you. You’re awesome too because hey, I rarely feel all the feels.

        Like

    • I guess that’s true to some extent, but the reality that affects me is largely out of my control – grumpy organs that refuse to be tamed. As much as we can change some elements of reality, I feel that most elements of it (particularly health issues and key moments) shape us. I guess it’s up to us whether we stay in the shape they leave us in, or whether we remould ourselves into something new – whether we stay where we end up or keep moving forward. Either way, we have some control, so you’re right.

      And the alternative would be to give in to all the doubting, which I have done before, but don’t intend to do right now. I’m trying to work on my perception of myself, and in the past few days I finally see someone in my mirror who isn’t quite equal to everyone else, but is possibly worth standing by. So that’s what I will do. Stand by myself, I guess. (Sorry to ramble! I’ll stop now)

      Liked by 1 person

      • Definitely stand be yourself you are worth it ! It’s true illness dictates a lot of our life that’s why I’m determined to make the most of what little I can control. I set myself achievable goals (not lesser/easy option/weaker) like I once would have thought but just attainable so I don’t constantly set myself up to fail and am able to enjoy a sense of pride. Once I stopped fighting against myself it became me vs. Illness not me vs. Illness and self loathing which is a lot harder !! X

        Like

  2. Definitely stand by yourself you are worth it. It’s true that illnesses dictate a lot of our life that’s why I’m determined to do the most with what I can control no matter how small the achievements are. I try to set myself achievable goals (not lesser/weaker/easy options) as I once would have viewed it just more attainable goals so i don’t constantly fail. Once I stopped fighting against myself the battle became me vs. Illness not me versus illness and myself which was much harder !! x

    Liked by 1 person

    • This is an incredibly helpful way of looking at things, thank you, I will try to keep it in mind. I’ve known that I need to let go for a long time, I even have a bracelet with the quote ‘let go or be dragged’ it’s just so much easier to think than to accept I guess, but I’m trying to keep thinking it and hoping that in time the acceptance will come. It reminds me of one of my favourite quotes, and now I’m tempted to write another post haha… But I need to sleep now, so I shall apologise in advance for my lack of a response until the morning. Thank you for taking the time to say these things, it’s so refreshing when people understand.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s