Where Are You Now?

“I’m never shocked when people let me down nowadays. I just hate the fact that I put myself in the position to be let down in the first place” – Unknown

It’s so ironic. The people in your life who say, “I’m always going to be here for you.” are the ones that walk away first.” – Justice Cabral

I am so, so angry at myself. I am such a stupid lump of a human being to think that people might not get scared and walk away ‘this time’. It’s human instinct. We are animals. It is an inherent characteristic to leave the weak behind and protect ourselves. Even I am fighting to escape this body. How can I blame anyone else for wanting to do the same? My health is my prison, not theirs. I was such an idiot to think instinct could be overcome. EVERYBODY walks away. Especially those we learn to depend on – the friend I’d known since our first day of infant school, my ‘best friends’ from secondary school, kiss friend, uni parents, family… Today, future flatmate (although I was already still cut up about the others because I let myself think about how much I miss their presence in my life). And I can’t blame a single one of them. Just myself. Just… The pathetic waste of space that is myself. 

(To future flatmate: If you’re reading this, and you think this is all about you – chill. I don’t blame you. I don’t want to live with me either. I get it. I totally do and I’m not mad about it at all. Kinda moderately annoyed at the situation, but not at you. Would have been nice not to have to press you until you admitted what I already suspected, but you’re human. Everybody else, sorry about that, read on at your peril) To repeat, I am so, so angry… At myself. Why do I keep giving humanity in general second chances? Why don’t I learn? Why do I let myself get torn to shreds? Why does it hurt so much? Why. Does it still. Hurt so much?

Because it’s my biggest fear? Because I push them and push them and give them plenty of opportunities to run and they say they never will? Because everybody promises that I can trust them and that they won’t be like the others and then they turn out to be just. Like. The rest?

I’d rather have died.

I. Would rather. Have ceased. To exist.

Because I just have. Whatever there was of me is gone, and I’m sorry. I don’t know if or when I’m going to find anything to post about again. I don’t know how to stand my own presence at the moment. I don’t know how to get up from this one. I am so sick of myself. I am so, so done.

“And I know we all get low, but I don’t know how I’m gonna get up from this one, I really don’t.” – Lauren Aqualina, Low

I said it before: hit me, hurt me, shout at me, get my blood on your hands, make me hate myself… but don’t ever let me down. It isn’t a threat. It just completely breaks me. Every time. One time too many. No, I’m not going to do anything stupid. Nobody I care about deserves that. Nobody I care about deserves this either.

I broke my rule this year. I trusted my uni parents. Not really anyone else, but I believed in people. And now I stand by this quote again.

“You eventually learn to trust no one. Being alone sucks but at least you don’t have to worry about being let down or hurt again…” – Unknown

All I want is there to be someone there, I can’t let go of that longing. And that’s why shutting the entire world out again hurts so much, but it is a defence mechanism.

I just sat in front of my family crying while I typed this. And nobody noticed.

I’m not living in halls next year.

I will live as I was born, as I will die, and as I am forever destined to be:

Alone.

I was stupid to think I would ever be anything but.

Mr Grim Reaper, where are you now buddy? My old philosophy always used to be this: The grim reaper is the only person I will ever trust, the only person I can ever depend on no matter what. He is always there. He will never let me down, he will never leave me. One day he’s going to take my hand and lead me away from all the people who ever let me down. I will never seek his presence, I’m just not so sure I want to run any more. Death is the only thing on which I can depend.

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