The Push

Congratulations! New power move unlocked: The Push

To activate power move: Act defensively in response to emotion.

Warning: is highly effective and runs the risk of backfiring horribly and leaving you entirely alone. Use wisely you must (I felt like going all Yoda because why not?) you run the risk of hurting more than just yourself, but… Mostly yourself.

Note: This power move is ineffective on uni parents, who somehow manage to see right through it, smile as though you merely threw a feather at them, and stand their ground… Until they just sort of stop being there, because they get bored of the constant use of the power move. Do not over use. (It also happens to be extremely draining). It also doesn’t work on labradors or the grim reaper.

Like most animals, I act instinctively when I am hurting (physical pain I soon grew used to, but emotion is something that still induces a sort of automatic response). The things that usually hurt me are: fear (we’re talking pure terror here, like a PTSD flashback or a nightmare or the thought of trusting someone or… Nope ropes, more commonly known as snakes. NOPE) or y’know other emotions that… Are extreme enough to bother me. Guilt. Shame. The urge to seek the presence of the grim reaper (which I cannot do while people still seem to give even a shred of concern over my existence). The knowledge that I am going to have to fight very hard for my life and that nobody will join me in doing so (no longer so such an issue as far as medical professionals are concerned thanks to the revelation that was Wednesday, but the rest of humanity is still pretty crappy).

I use my power move in response to all of the above. The energy bar slowly fills up, and I could use it at any time with limited effect, but as the rubbish and the hurt builds up, that energy bar continues to fill until I break. If I were a video game character at this stage, with that full energy bar, something like this would happen:

I’d curl up into a ball, tuck in my arms and legs and scrunch my eyes shut. The world would fade out and go all trippy and swirly and brightly coloured around me. Then these great shockwaves would come out of me and everything would flash yellow and red and orange and everyone within a five mile radius would be blown ten miles away from me by the shockwaves, to somewhere much more pleasant. I am imagining myself as a Pokémon here not going to lie, but I would more appropriately be a raincloud.

In reality, this happens:

I try to convince everyone who I think may not just be pretending to care, that I am not worth caring about, get very annoyed when they refuse to not care, feel all the feels, and then get even more incredibly annoyed because they refuse to let themselves be saved from me. If that doesn’t work, I try annoying people away or making them angry. Or I just stop replying or interacting because I feel too bad about my presence in people’s lives to even do that (people almost NEVER message me first or start conversations with me – I am swiftly forgotten when in my prime power move location hospital or nobody wants help with their coursework/ relationship/ life/ self esteem otherwise out of sight, so this is usually pretty effective… Although it is an incredibly distressing fact when I am not trying to use it to my advantage with the power move). I try to push everybody away, especially people emotionally involved, who claim to care about me, or who I care about at all. I send out shockwave after shockwave, and they fly so far away that I am left standing in an impact crater too large and too deep to crawl out of. All alone. And then I realise that I probably shouldn’t have used the power move – in fact, I know that as I’m doing it, it just feels necessary. A primative, protective instinct kicks in. And that instinct tells me to to cut everyone else out of my life and run, because even if they haven’t hurt me yet – they will. Everybody will. (See! Primative, illogical argument based on fear).

I’d stopped using the power move. The energy bar of emotion that fuels its use has not been full enough for me to use it with much effect for a few weeks (some sort of new record for me). I had distanced myself from humanity successfully without its assistance, and I was happy to be only vaguely partially emotionally associated with attached to a few people. I was kind of like a meerkat, all up on my hind legs, on edge, looking all over the place all of the time… Prepared. And the (what do meerkats look out for? Rattlesnakes? This metaphor needs to be factually accurate! I’m looking this up… It says snakes. Ew. NOPE.) snakes slithered into my meerkat burrow (? I do not know enough about meerkats for this metaphor to even work) just when I’d got so exhausted of being on edge that I’d relaxed a little and decided there was no threat. Now I am left surrounded by the corpses of the parts of me that I loved and I realise that this is why I use the power move, this is why it was safer to live exposed and alone in the middle of a crater, because safety is not in numbers, a chain is only as strong as the weakest link and nobody seems to possess the strength I require.

Tonight I used the power move. It succeeded in its aim although it hurt me a lot in the process.

One of my friends from sixth form who I love to pieces, messaged our poor excuse for a group chat (there are three of us in it, it so it’s more a… Slightly-larger-than-normal-but-not-quite-group chat) asking if we could meet up again. These two friends frequently bail on plans and stuff because life happens, and a week or so ago were meant to be coming to my house for pizza and a movie, which we’d been planning (and I’d been really looking forward to) for days. Not only did they bail like I (and even my mother) had expected that they would (and so I wasn’t at all surprised, and only a little bothered when they did), but they waited until the morning we were meant to be meeting until one of them was all “Oh, well… (This is logistically impossible for completely reasonable… Reasons. Which I totally understood and wasn’t annoyed about at all, but wished had been highlighted to that extent sooner so we could adapt our arrangements instead of cancelling them)”

In light of my whole recent reminder that humanity is a whole sewage plant of poop, I said I would meet, but that I was sick of people letting me down and couldn’t deal with them bailing right now, so could they please be sure. This caused a rumble in the jungle. I worded it wrong. At the whole “I don’t mean to be a dick but I am sick of people letting me down.” One friend was all “we haven’t spoken to you for 2 months we didn’t know you had been let down that isn’t fair.”

I didn’t want to do any more damage so I sent out a second shockwave. Realising I wasn’t in the right frame of mind for a conversation, I decided I would remove myself from it until I could talk in a way that allowed me to separate my frustration at humanity from two of my most favourite humans. I explained this and said I would stop talking for a little bit. This also seemed to cause annoyance.

These friends want to be kept up to speed but care so much they often get distressed by what they hear and ask me not to tell them things if it involves bad news or whatever (which means I hardly have anything to say to them sometimes, because all I can think about is the crappy situation and I quite rightly shouldn’t ruin their moods with it too). I respect this understandable request. But this time it was wrong that I hadn’t just explained; I think one of them was a little hurt, and I got extremely confused (when is it ok for me to say something about a thing that is bothering me? We’ve been through so much together, they know all the history of the trust stuff and the PTSD and I do my best to drop my worries and problems and always push theirs to the top of the pile as I do with everyone, hence the hours on the phone and the moral support when there were boyfriend issues or family problems or stuff they were embarrassed to talk to me about because they thought my problems were worse… But we’ve grown so distant. None of us start the conversations now. It happens. Everybody grows apart… Except them, because they live a couple of houses apart from each other) And… I Imploded with my next attempt at the power move.

Suddenly it was all about repairing damage and I was willing to tear myself into smithereens to plug the holes in our friendship which in my eyes were there unnecessarily present because it seemed to be one sentence that mainly sparked the offence (but hey, I’m dealing with a lot of big stuff at the moment especially in terms of my health, and I forget that some people are still a normal human level of sensative to poorly worded explanations, like I once was).

I was very briefly left in a crater and I was torn. Come back, I don’t want you to go. I thought, yet at the same time I was glad the push had worked and I was building up for another shock wave. Luckily my repair attempts sort of worked a little, but then I was all Seriously you got so bothered by that so easily? I think my heart must have turned to stone because I’m being kinda heartless clearly. I’m not ready to try and socialise normally and they won’t understand that because I can’t offload what is also bothering me and so they won’t understand and if they do they will get upset and I can’t even deal with trying not to wreck a friendship right now because my mouth/ brain has turned into a double barrelled shotgun and it’s going to kill this relationship because I am so scared and worked up that I have a very twitchy trigger finger seriously I can’t deal with this nope go away help! Whilst at the same time I was all I miss what we once had. I’m sorry for being a dick. Was I a dick? Probably. And then I was all No I really don’t think I am ready to see humans, I am still very much under the impression that they suck, and crawled over to my sleeping dog, who did not mind being woken for a cuddle.

So there we go:

Power move – The Push

A.K.A: Cutting off your nose to spite your face – there will be emotional blood. Mostly your own. 

(For the record, dogs are apparently immune to the power move. Even when I literally, and very gently, push my dog away from me because I feel I don’t deserve such ridiculous levels of love from a living thing, he just walks back to me or places his face back on my leg over and over again, forcefully nudges my arm out of the way, eventually sits on me so I can’t push him any more, and licks my face in a way that says shut up with those thoughts and stop pushing me you silly human, I will love you until the end of time. See, George Orwell was totally right “Four legs good, two legs bad.”)

Ok wait why am I awake at 1am? Brain, sort yourself out! (Oh wait no, there is a labrador asleep on me and this is adorable and I would stay awake forever just to preserve this moment for as long as possible because this is literally my favourite way to be – buried under a sleeping dog that seems to enjoy my presence more than his own existence and even food… I’m being serious, if we’re having a cuddle then I have to push him off of me to get him to go and eat because otherwise he looks at the food, then me, then the food, then… What am I even writing. I’m tired. I’ll stop.)

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s