There have been
major minor advances in my attempts to get a life. Apart from a complete slight meltdown about where on earth I am going to live from September (which resulted in my mum getting VERY frustrated), I have had a strangely productive couple of days. The graphics tablet that I ordered arrived, and I downloaded some photo editing/ design software, so my t-shirt business is go! I finally thought of a name and designed a logo, sent the necessary emails to the company who will be handling production and stuff, and am ready to start selling my designs with no financial input or risk from my end. This is something I’ve been talking about doing for years, but for it all to finally start coming together feels pretty amazing. I feel like I’ve achieved something already.
I’m hoping that I might be able to raise enough money over the rest of the summer to afford to live in a one person flat by myself, or live in the student accommodation right opposite my uni (why do things get so much more expensive when there is just one of you?) I hate the thought of living in a room just to myself, as I feel extremely isolated as it is, but I am refusing to let things stop me at the moment. I will sleep on my friends’ sofas if I have to (hey, it is looking like I may have to, but people are actually happy for me to do that and I will pay them for the favour). Also, and probably more importantly, I am hoping I will have some more money to get me a little bit closer to being able to fund a service dog. I have just about enough saved up to train one, but not to maintain its existence (which y’know, is kind of necessary).
Also, that article I finally agreed to write about a month ago but just… Couldn’t? Yeah, I just emailed it off. Suddenly 800 words just poured out of my fingertips, and I didn’t cringe too much at what I wrote, so I just hit send. The relief and sense of achievement were instant. I decided to write a little post for another blogging site too, so I’ll see if that is accepted. I’m still toying with the idea of science journalism or freelance writing after my degree, and I figured there was no better time to test the water. When people give me a positive response to the things I write it sort of validates my existence, and I’ve made some genuinely awesome friends through this blog who I would otherwise be separated from by several continents or an entire ocean or whatever. My writing seems to have opened doors, and I am finally ready to follow it through them.
I wrote some more of the new novel I’ve been working on, and actually managed to think of a plot rather than just aimlessly writing. I worked some more on the collection of mini essays, poems and metaphors I’ve been writing about depression and the emotion behind facing mortality and chronic health issues (which I am also under pressure to publish, and now may actually might agree to at some point…). I of course also found time to cuddle the dog and drown in feels as he laid on my lap, snuggled into me, and fell asleep.
On another highly productive note, I sent off the drawing I did as a late 50th birthday present for my mum’s childhood friend (of him and his film/tv producer / author / generally lovely husband) a few weeks ago. I mean, all I had to do was find a big envelope and some cardboard, write an address, and figure out how many stamps I needed… But apparently that takes three weeks if you’re me.
The awesome summer I talked about so far has not been awesome at all, but in my mind I always told myself it would start in July (which funnily enough is when my revision should really start). I have a bunch of awesome stuff lined up. Next week I am going to Norfolk with friends I used to go to school with, and at some point after that I’m going on a road trip with one of my uni friends. Summer of awesome is GO! Also, I heard from one of the nicest people on the planet today, asking if I still wanted to go to Scotland. There is a story behind this…
Whenever life gets too much, I either run away from everything or bury my head in the sand. When I was in sixth form, I used to go to my sister’s in Bournemouth. Most of the time at uni, a late night walk by the Thames was enough… But this one time, I bought a train ticket to Edinburgh. The day came, I had the ticket, and I was… So ill I couldn’t get out of bed. I lost the money I’d spent on the ticket. I never went. But this person remembered my love of Scotland (the Scottish Highlands are heaven on earth, and the Isle of Skye is paradise, and wherever my sister got married – near Perth I think – is also AMAZING and I just love it, Scotland in general is my favourite place to be. Plus the accent is pretty ace!) and asked if I still wanted to go. And, like other people who went through sixth form with me having health disasters all the time, my health hasn’t put her off of the idea. She actually was being serious too! We may be going kind of soon! Some time in July. I AM SO EXCITED!
I got a bunch of hospital letters through calling me to London for a cardiac MRI (which they forgot to mark as urgent on the system, hence why I’ve had to wait a month) and to see the cardiologist and some other new woman I’ve never seen before… Insomnia has returned to be my best friend so I didn’t get any sort of sleep until 6am this morning (and then woke up a couple of hours later after broken sleep, but I did get to stay awake all night with my dog asleep in bed with me all snuggled against me which was adorable, so I can’t really complain… And I watched two minute extracts of the same programmes over and over again for an hour because there wasn’t anything on TV… I’m kidding, I’m tired now, I just complained)… Also, I have a raging infection which popped up out of nowhere because my immune system, as I have mentioned before, is completely useless at attacking anything (other than my beta cells… and gluten… and pollen… and stuff that enters my lungs because hey asthma… and… ok just pretty much me in general basically because autoimmunity is just how my body rolls). This is extremely painful, but luckily I have a large assortment of different types of antibiotics to take at the first sign of any infection, because if left even a day until I see a doctor, infections have a tendency to get so severe that they defy all antibiotics, upset chronic health hiccups leading to a medical emergency, and I end up in the ICU…
But I still can’t stop smiling. None of that matters. Because hey, I did a thing. Multiple things. On my own. All was not lost and all is not lost, I just had a very long pathetic moment and for that I can only apologise.
I am aware that this was hideously boring to read, but good stuff happened and I just wanted to share that. I am not a complete failure as a human, as I had feared. Today, I feel like things are looking up. And I will meet the crap times, when they arrive again, as I have done so before. I will drift through them aimlessly with no idea how I did so, but I will make it to the other side, no matter how many times I want to throw it all away.
No way but through.