If there is one thing I have learned about living with a body that has forgotten how to human, it is this: There are bizarre moments amidst the unpleasantness where everything feels more than worth it, where you stop feeling like you live under the thumb of your health hiccups and stand atop them like you’ve just scaled Everest. When I said that I planned to start doing awesome things in July, I thought it might take me a little longer than a day to stumble across the ability to enjoy being me again. I was wrong.
Last night, in no more than ten minutes, I wrote a little blog post/ story and sent it off to the folks over at “The Mighty”. If you’ve read this blog for a while you will appreciate that I hate everything I write, and so I didn’t expect them to accept my submission, and was trying to prove to myself that this probably wasn’t meant to be. A couple of hours later the stuff I had written was up on their website, sitting beneath the words “Featured Stories.” Now I know this isn’t really a big deal, but to me it was a huge deal. I actually felt good for something for once, and that was pretty awesome.
I woke up this morning to find that the story/ article I wrote had almost a thousand views (which for some people isn’t a lot, but if you saw how many views my posts on here usually get, you’d probably share in my surprise). I’d never let so many people read something I have written before, and it just felt weird. By half past ten this morning I’d already had the most views this blog has ever received (there is a link to this blog at the bottom of the story, which is precisely why my family and friends can NEVER read it, but is responsible for all the extra views).
And so, July is already awesome and it isn’t even half a day old yet. The health issues that have been wrecking almost every good thing recently have led to something positive. It makes the struggle worth it. And I hate to use that word, but really… Things have been beyond a struggle recently. My stubborn refusal to use Winston (my wheelchair) has led to some ridiculous rebellion by my body, but I am pleased to finally be able to walk a very short way without my body protesting and completely giving out.
I am also in the process of using every last penny we’ve saved (and what is leftover of my disability allowance) to book a room in student accommodation just over the road from my university. I really didn’t want to live there, but again, my health put (the person I was going to get a place with) completely off of the idea of sharing with me, and also means I am in no fit state to tackle the London underground (at any time, because Mile End station has no step free access, but especially not during rush hour). I’m worried I will be extremely lonely, and my parents have made it clear that I have to stay there for the whole contract (so basically I can’t come back here for the summer or easter or whatever) as we can’t break the bank to pay for an empty room (which also may be a problem, because I end up in hospital a lot). If I actually passed my first year of university, then from the 17th of September, I will have a place to live. I feel guilty that things are going to be financially awful as a result, and I know we can’t afford it, and it makes me completely hate my body for screwing my family over; but I am hoping to somehow be able to contribute to the rent. I feel so guilty that I can’t get a job due to my health issues. But I am finally finding things I can do, and my health is not quite the lead weight it has at times felt to be.
Maybe sometime soon I will be able to hold my own.
No way but through.