In an interesting new development, I seem to have discovered another malfunctioning body part (or at least, an out of control little bundle of cells which are totally harmless, but incredibly annoying). Actually, this isn’t a particularly new development, it just seems to have found a way to burst through the curtain of my denial, and as a result I have now decided that I should probably deal with it. Having said this, I’m pretty certain it isn’t anything that could endanger my life, it is merely a little bit unpleasant, and so I can’t quite bring myself to care about it beyond a brief acknowledgement of it every now and again.
I’ve found that being happy has allowed me to find my feet, and I am in a frame of mind where I can (slowly) start to let issues slip through the filter of my refusal to deal with anything, without being crushed by them or torn apart by the momentum they have gathered swirling round and round in my mind for so long. Things just feel a lot more manageable at the moment. Yesterday seems to have been a huge turning point. “The Mighty” made me feel ok with being who I am by sharing my story/ article on their social media page (it’s weird to see something you’ve written pop up on your own news feed multiple times, and I was touched and shocked by the positive responses people had to it, and the comments they made on my writing.) Other things just all fell into place right after that, because happiness unlocks doors, it would seem. It’s the second day of July, and already this blog has received more views that it got in the entirety of June. I think I will be riding the wave of that ten minutes of writing for a while yet (also I’m stupidly excited to have a place to live and I am so looking forward to having my own place again and being back in London. Uni is life and life is uni. I miss London more than I ever thought I could miss a place).
Last night I booked a luxury city centre apartment in Edinburgh for my old school friend and I to stay in the weekend after next. Yes, one of the awesome things I’ve been talking about and dreaming about for a long time is finally happening (hopefully this time I won’t be too unwell to make it to the train). This is a weird decision because y’know, Edinburgh is basically an entire city of hills, and I struggle to walk very far on flat ground before Skippy (my poop of a heart – seriously, Skippy is an idiot) turns into a runaway train and my legs shake under my weight and eventually I feel like I’m breathing soup and my ankles swell… (You get the picture right? My body is too exhausted and fighting its health hiccups too hard to spare energy to human). Also, I’ve no idea how I’m going to actually walk through Kings Cross and St Pancras International (hopefully without some policemen having to save my life a little bit this time) or carry my bag or whatever. I should probably take a wheelchair and I already know that I won’t. This is still a defensive reaction to my health wrecking a lot of things and plans lately. I am determined to show it who is boss. Unfortunately, it is me… So… That’s ridiculously illogical, but it feels so necessary.
get completely sick of being limited by my health put my mind to it, I can push my body way beyond its limits, and refuse to acknowledge its protests (I once walked 18km in the midst a medical emergency. Admittedly I did end up in an ambulance and intensive care at the end in a hospital over an hour from home, spent about 8 months in hospital because my health would not stop hiccuping, and literally had to be dragged the last half a kilometre, but I did the same thing as everyone else and sometimes that is all that matters to me). I have decided that for three days, this will be ok. Many people are convinced that I’m not well enough to do this, but those people don’t seem to appreciate the level of my desire to do normal human things again. I want this one weekend. Just one weekend, to be free, to forget that I am… In a bit of a situation. I just finished booking train tickets, and my friend and I (who somehow managed to arrange the entire thing over text, which makes it even more impressive that two university students successfully planned anything in advance at all) are SO EXCITED!
I’m in a really, really good place right now and I’ve honestly no idea how it happened. A few days ago I didn’t think a feeling like this was possible, it is so alien to me and yet so welcome, so… Good. And yet, I know I am simply in the eye of the storm. I’ve gone through a lot of rubbish to get to this point, my health, much like a hurricane, destroyed everything in its path (unfortunately all that was in its path were multiple aspects of my life, and the feelings of the people who care about me) and when this state of stunned happiness passes, things are going to get very rough again, because I am still not well, and at some point it will be time to face that fact all over again. At some point, the grim reaper is going to pop back for a chat and I will have to persuade him to leave me alone again.
Currently though, I am lost in this state of… Contentedness. The calm before the rest of the storm (because this one hasn’t ended yet). Things are falling into place. My little brother even wanted to have something to do to me last night. We ordered pizza. We laughed. He left his stupid games console and we actually talked. When the dog eventually woke up and got off of my lap (which he seems to prefer to his bed), my brother and I cuddled up on the sofa and watched a film into the early hours of the morning. My health is still going so wrong, but I don’t care right now, because everything just feels so right.
And when this eerie amazingness ends, the brief break from everything this storm has to throw at me will have allowed me to gather enough of the parts I had lost… To go through it all over again.
No way but through. (I would say bring it on, but reality seems to take this statement a little too literally).