Scarily Relevant 

I run to the morning

As the nightmares chase to haunt me

Should I make a stand?

I walk in the shadows 

Cause I’m scared of what the light shows

Is there power in these hands?

I feel like a wasted soul

A hologram of skin and bone 

Chorus:

This is the time

You know that it’s right

Cause I’m letting go

In love and in life

There’s not turning back

Cause I’m letting go

There’s pain in the falling

The landing hits you without warning

At least you’re at the start 

There’s fear in the climbing

Sometimes the voices will be blinding

But they’ll never have your heart

To ride the highs you need the lows

It puts the flesh back to your bones

(Chorus)

Before the sun is set

Time to forgive, forget

Whatever happens happens

But it ain’t happened yet

(Chorus)

Just give me time to wake up, just give me time to wake up, and go.

...”

– Saint Raymond, Letting Go.

My phone spat this song at me just now. This is the soundtrack to the last year of my life. Some of these lyrics were quoted, written in post-it notes, and put up on my notice board in halls. Through that whole first year of climbing when everybody expected me to fall and left me unsupported, swimming against the tide of university, I had this song. When everything fell away and I doubted myself, these words were the hope my mind could not generate. This song was my voice of reason. It reminds me of walking to lectures in the morning, amidst Bastille and Imagine Dragons and X Ambassadors and The Clash and The 1975 (etc. etc.). This song was there when the aching despair of the situation was almost unbearable. It was there when I was empty and it was there when I could see no way. And it reminded me that there was no way but through. It pushed me on over and over and over, and right when negativity reared its ugly head again in this ICU just now, it pushed me right through it once more. 

So many of these lyrics have resonated with me at so many different times. Running from the nightmares PTSD triggers, feeling like a wasted soul, the blinding voices of university staff pushing me to drop out and retry next year (I am still freaking about university and my grades and impending August re-sits/ first-sits. How messed up is that? I am feeling the pressure. I can still hear the conversation that tore it all apart)… Riding highs. (And the lows really do make the highs so much higher because you’re so much further above where you were – it’s all relative…) Even the idea that if this goes belly up then it does but for now I am alive, that whatever is going to happen will happen but for now all is good… It’s all in that song.
Another song I fell in love with (scarily relevant at times) has the lyrics,

“Heart don’t fail me now

We’re all fighting in the battle of the lost and found

Heart beating in my chest, don’t fail me now, don’t fail me now

Feet standing in the edge, don’t fail me now don’t fail me now

Will I find the courage to do this alone

Embrace the darkness, jump into the unknown?

Fighting with the voices in my head

Telling me that I should take a break

But I know if I slow then I won’t get up again

So I keep rising up from hidden depths.” – Saint Raymond, Don’t Fail Me Now

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2 thoughts on “Scarily Relevant 

  1. Following your blog – you’re awesome girl! Feeling for you in all this, hang on in there. You’re not alone, there are many of us reading your blog and sending love, hugs and best wishes. Thanks for keeping us updated – whatever is happening!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Aw thanks that’s so nice of you to say. Not so sure awesome is the correct word but it’s so lovely that you think that and it’s really made me smile. That’s exactly why I blog – in hope of feeling less alone, so it means so much that you’ve just said that. I do this more for my own peace of mind just to let everything out, I often forget people will read it and certainly don’t expect people to care about or read most of my posts. This means a lot, thanks

      Like

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