“I run to the morning
As the nightmares chase to haunt me
Should I make a stand?
I walk in the shadows
Cause I’m scared of what the light shows
Is there power in these hands?
I feel like a wasted soul
A hologram of skin and bone
This is the time
You know that it’s right
Cause I’m letting go
In love and in life
There’s not turning back
Cause I’m letting go
There’s pain in the falling
The landing hits you without warning
At least you’re at the start
There’s fear in the climbing
Sometimes the voices will be blinding
But they’ll never have your heart
To ride the highs you need the lows
It puts the flesh back to your bones
Before the sun is set
Time to forgive, forget
Whatever happens happens
But it ain’t happened yet
Just give me time to wake up, just give me time to wake up, and go.
– Saint Raymond, Letting Go.
My phone spat this song at me just now. This is the soundtrack to the last year of my life. Some of these lyrics were quoted, written in post-it notes, and put up on my notice board in halls. Through that whole first year of climbing when everybody expected me to fall and left me unsupported, swimming against the tide of university, I had this song. When everything fell away and I doubted myself, these words were the hope my mind could not generate. This song was my voice of reason. It reminds me of walking to lectures in the morning, amidst Bastille and Imagine Dragons and X Ambassadors and The Clash and The 1975 (etc. etc.). This song was there when the aching despair of the situation was almost unbearable. It was there when I was empty and it was there when I could see no way. And it reminded me that there was no way but through. It pushed me on over and over and over, and right when negativity reared its ugly head again in this ICU just now, it pushed me right through it once more.
So many of these lyrics have resonated with me at so many different times. Running from the nightmares PTSD triggers, feeling like a wasted soul, the blinding voices of university staff pushing me to drop out and retry next year (I am still freaking about university and my grades and impending August re-sits/ first-sits. How messed up is that? I am feeling the pressure. I can still hear the conversation that tore it all apart)… Riding highs. (And the lows really do make the highs so much higher because you’re so much further above where you were – it’s all relative…) Even the idea that if this goes belly up then it does but for now I am alive, that whatever is going to happen will happen but for now all is good… It’s all in that song.
Another song I fell in love with (scarily relevant at times) has the lyrics,
“Heart don’t fail me now
We’re all fighting in the battle of the lost and found
Heart beating in my chest, don’t fail me now, don’t fail me now
Feet standing in the edge, don’t fail me now don’t fail me now
Will I find the courage to do this alone –
Embrace the darkness, jump into the unknown?
Fighting with the voices in my head
Telling me that I should take a break
But I know if I slow then I won’t get up again
So I keep rising up from hidden depths.” – Saint Raymond, Don’t Fail Me Now