Things I was going to consider posting about right now:
- How last night I discovered the brilliance of reviewing products and got well over £200 worth of headphones for free, only paying for shipping from America.
- How my fellow third wheel (who messages me every day), when he heard about my plan to push my body as far as physically sensible in a pool made me almost die laughing by replying, “NOT AS FAR AS YOU CAN” “MAD GIRL MAD” “SLOWLY” “SLOOOOOOOOWWWW” “GO MILD!!” because he knows me and my health pretty well.
- How I completely ignored that and attempted to work out this morning using nothing but my staircase, managed a few press-ups (they are easier on an incline) and some other feeble attempt at using a muscle or two before my heart turned into a freight train and I… Sat down and decided it could be “leg day” instead.
- How after that, my body involuntarily dragged me to what I hope was sleep and I have no idea how much of the day I lost, but my nephew woke me up after moving in and everything, and I had no idea what day or month it was.
- The fact that when I woke up I did not look at all well. I mean, I’ve been worse – I’m not in the grim reaper’s hands yet.
- That having my nephew living here is actually really nice, the problem is that my little brother tries to show off and turns into a sarcastic, cocky little… (deep breath, aaand calm)… when he is in the presence of another teenaged boy.
- The fiasco of trying to inflate the beach lounger thing I bought online ages ago that arrived today, which was super comfortable so I sort of half passed out on it and stayed there for ages half asleep.
- That watching the boys play basketball out in out cul-de-sac made me miss being able to do things so much that I took my dog for a very, very short walk, and when we returned we just hung out with the boys while they played basketball and sat there having infinite cuddles while they filmed each other attempting trick shots.
- The crisis of Bob Jr. deciding that instead of keeping me alive he was going to give me half an hour’s warning before he ran out of battery and stopped infusing insulin into me… AND THERE WAS NOT A SINGLE AA BATTERY IN THE HOUSE.
- The discovery that, after my dog and I went and hung out with them the second time, the boys (this isn’t fair on my nephew, it was just my little brother) produced such a level of annoyance that I couldn’t stand to be near them anymore.
- MY SWIMMING STUFF ARRIVED
- Went to a barbecue with all my mum’s work colleagues, at which everyone knew me and I only knew a couple, but they are lovely ladies and I got hugs and they talk to me like I’m one of their friends and they make me laugh until I cry…
Ok, well I kind of did just post about all of that. But it’s all been out of the water. Instead I want to explain why this photo happened tonight at 9pm:
I want to explain why my dog ended up getting his second walk of the day (I am not in London, so I couldn’t go for a late night wander by the Thames and around central London like I would if I had been at uni), why I pushed a body that was already screaming at me, and had already made several people comment about how unwell I looked, just to get out of my house. Why, behind the screen of the phone that took this photo, I could no longer hold in my tears, and in empty streets I had the privacy to just let them fall (our village isn’t too busy). Why I left the food I had just cooked and just left the house to clear my head, because that is always what I did before, and I am on a scary path of ferocious determination to do what my body won’t let me all of a sudden, and it feels awesome but stupid and terrifying all at once. Why I didn’t return until after 10pm, after walking about half a mile in total with my very well behaved and completely amazing dog by my side.
My own flesh and blood. That’s why.
Because I was sick and tired of being made to feel like a second rate human being, like the family screw-up, by everyone. That’s why.
Because I didn’t dare talk to any other relatives about everything and certain members of our family are selfish and pathetic and petty. That’s why.
I can’t tell you more than that. I’m not allowed. I wouldn’t dare. It would cause world war 7 if anyone ever found out I’d told the entire internet. I don’t know how to talk about it right now. I am deeply, deeply hurt. It cut me to the bone. I overheard a phone call where one of our close relatives (smart people will figure this out from previous blog posts) who gets extremely outraged if they are not informed before everyone else about EVERYTHING that goes on with anyone living in this house, was phoned by mum mum so she could keep the peace and ask how their holiday went to appease them… And they started having a go at her because they had heard my exam result disaster from Aunty Cousin via a familial version of a chain of whispers. Knowing how unwell I am and have been (not in detail, but they know it was enough to put me in ICU a lot), and all the other stuff going on in my life and our lives, they… Nah do you know what I can’t even say. I can’t. It was pathetic. It was pure selfishness, and let’s just say I now want nothing to do with one set of grandparents. I’m that hurt by the selfishness of the attitude and the insensitivity and pure self centred nature that I have ignored for far too long and given far too many second chances to. Damn it, I said too much. I’m not deleting it. I don’t care. I’m angry. I emailed sincerely apologising, and said that I don’t want anything to do with the pair of them for a while because I am so hurt and they already knew the situation I was in and were selfish e-… No, not doing this.
I walked my dog and I called my fellow third wheel and we just talked and talked for over an hour, until I was home and far beyond me walking through the front door, until our conversation diverted from him being as appalled as I was and me trying to hide the sound of my crying to us both talking about old school video games and guitar playing and sailing. I didn’t want to go back to the house. I just wanted to go for a run. For a split second I weighed up my options, whether collapsing was worth a short, short run my legs have craved for so long (running is no longer effortless and pleasant, as I discovered in hospital a while ago, it now hurts a lot everywhere, is a lot of effort, and makes my heart refuse to behave itself, ending in me on the floor and urgent medical care). But it was that bad. And I was wearing running shoes. And I was so close.
So I’m holding out for swimming tomorrow. Sport was always my release. It got me through forms of abuse and bullying and awful self esteem and no friends. It gave me life, it gave me a sense of meaning and purpose and the feeling that I was good at something and could achieve something with my life. I was top of the class for pretty much everything, but sport was something I actually wanted to be good at, something people admired and that I didn’t need to try and bury and hide like my grades. Sport was a release and a pick-me-up when things were bad and a reinforcement of pure joy when things were better. I wasn’t the ill kid when I was doing sport, I was like everyone else, and I was encouraged by a paediatric consultant (who ruined my life, started off my PTSD and almost killed me but hey) to participate in sport from a young age. I was going places. I could have gone places. And then my body. Said. No. But I need that release more than ever right now.
I feel so awful for existing, for burdening my family with the huge weight of my health issues and my incapability of doing right by anyone at the moment. Things were going to well, but there are no highs without the lows, and now I will appreciate swimming even more.
No way but through.
I’m sorry for whatever this post was.