There are moments in life that call everything into question. The kind of moments that tear you down from the hopeful dreaming you allow yourself to get lost in and make you face the facts. I guess I am currently in the middle of one of those moments. In my last post I mentioned that my body hadn’t changed at all – that I am not suddenly going to be capable of things that I haven’t for years (running, or even walking significantly far), but I think my consultant humoured me to let me get it out of my system, in hope that trying and failing would persuade me to stop. My body seems to have taken this as an opportunity to prove a point, it seems to be trying to tell me to quite while I’m ahead.
I barely slept last night, I felt awful, my heart rate would not drop below 120 and if I laid flat I couldn’t actually breathe. It didn’t worry me, but it was enough to stop me sleeping, to keep me wide awake until just before my alarm went off at 6am, summoning me to let out next doors chickens, unlock their rabbit shed, and feed and water its inhabitants (our next door neighbours – the ones with the puppy – were away for the night and asked me to look after their animals last night and this morning. As she breeds rabbits, there were a lot of rabbits to sort. They offered to let me stay in their empty house to get a break from… Life… But I was far too unwell to be alone last night). I was still dizzy. I could walk sort of straight, but not properly. I became worried that I was going to pass out in their back garden, so I stopped talking to the rabbits and watching them all eat breakfast (I think there were over 30 of them, and I have a weakness for any quantity of cute fluffy things).
I returned to my house, fell onto the sofa, and the dizziness overwhelmed me. I stayed there for a couple of hours, in quite a situation, until a parent appeared. Somehow at this stage I made it up stairs, my vision fading in and out by the time I reached the top step. I intended to go back downstairs but ended up flat out on my bed. My sister (my nephew’s mum) is home from Dubai for a couple of weeks to see my nephew before he starts sixth form. Family dynamics are interesting, but she decided to spend the day with my little brother, my nephew and I – letting them go to a trampoline park while the pair of us grabbed coffee. I got dressed, and by the time she turned up I was flat out on the sofa again, my heart racing, the world fading, light-headedness overwhelming me. I was freezing cold, I had no colour, and there were black shadows underneath eyes that had sunk back in their sockets. I passed out on a train multiple times the other week and pushed through my body’s protests. I had gone to feed the animals this morning and pushed through the awfulness, I’d felt ridiculously dizzy but still refused to be held back and tried walking around the house (enduring severe unpleasantness as a result). It is unlike me to call it quits. I did an anatomy practical while in a medical emergency and nearly died as a result. I sat my first year exams with bloods that needed urgent medical attention… I don’t admit defeat easily, and certainly not for my health, especially in my current frame of mind. But I bailed on the plans with my sister (she clearly prefers my little brother anyway, I feel like such an outsider in this family), which it turns out nobody was willing to let me go through with anyway given how I looked.
My mum (who is a midwife) decided to take my blood pressure. This presented a problem, in that it was so low she couldn’t actually find a peripheral pulse by which to measure it. My carotid pulse was very weak, which explains the intense and overwhelming dizziness when I attempt to sit, stand, or do anything that requires y’know… blood flow to anywhere. Again, I probably could have worried at this, but knowing the cause for the dizziness removed any chance of me possibly being bothered at all.
I changed out of my jeans and into jogging trousers, and curled up in the comfort of my uni jumper (a sweatshirt I bought from the campus shop when I ran out of clothes while unwell, which bears our uni name and logo across the front). Whenever I don’t feel well, I just want this jumper – it reminds me of home, it reminds me of a place I dreamed of attending for so long – uni. I curled up under my big fluffy moustache blanket – which lives on my bed both here and at uni, and was present for many panic revision sessions and days spend unable to leave my bed… And I aborted any plans to do anything other than that. It’s been a long time (ok so weeks, but to me that’s a long time) since my body has forced me to stop and just… Lay out like a useless lump of human. If I try to do anything that requires energy, I come very close to passing out. I physically cannot leave the sofa. Genuinely, I’m stuck here. And the fact that I’m now not even trying to argue with my body about this should show you guys how awful I feel.
My only concern is that I’m meant to be going to London tomorrow with my fellow third wheel, his little sister, and the friend who he’s lied to a few times to get out of having to meet up with her… And we’re spending the day there and then going to see a musical. I don’t know how my body is going to deal with that in its current state.
And this made me think seriously about my plan to build up to running again. I have taken steps to making it a thing – being sponsored to reach a milestone throughout the duration of each month. But if I can’t run, I don’t know how to cope, and I don’t want to go back to the place I was just days ago. And here we are – the battle between knowledge and hopeful wishing, reality and ideals… I may never run. Realistically, looking at how I am right now, it is kind of a given. But my body and those who doubted it seem to forget one thing – this is my body, a body that shouldn’t still be here but is, a body that does things it shouldn’t be capable of doing and manages to get through stuff relatively unscathed.
It is mission impossible. But if Tom Cruise’s character can complete an impossible mission, then so can I (when I was in hospital I loved these films).
I have spent my day so far re-watching Sherlock, mostly because I love Sherlock, but also because it is based in London, in the city I call home. They film in streets I know, in one episode even on the roof of one of the hospitals that I go to. So I started with series one, episode one, and I’m sort of in heaven, because it’s like being home – seeing all these places in London. And damn I love this show. (I also love Elementary – the american version of Sherlock Holmes. Seriously, I developed quite an addiction to it). I may have accidentally introduced my mum to Sherlock and got her addicted also. I’ve watched all these episodes before but I’m really enjoying starting from the beginning of the series again.
For the first time in a while I have been left no other option than to take a day out. My body is reminding me that it is still in the same situation, that it isn’t what I’ve been building it up to be in my mind. But I’m not letting myself feel unwell. I mean sure, I can’t sit up or anything, and if I do, I become insanely breathless and my heart has a small tantrum… But I’ve been so much worse, and in my mind I’m still determined not to be unwell, not to feel unwell, not to even acknowledge the thought that this body is going to stop me do anything that I want.
My dog is feeling a bit under the weather too. Each morning when he wakes up and tries to walk, he whimpers in pain (and this dog will put up with anything – thorns in his paw, biopsies without any form of pain relief – without making a sound). He’s hobbling about a bit and is sort of beached on the rug next to me because he doesn’t seem to be able to walk. I guess both of us are giving in to our bodies today. But it doesn’t feel like that to me.
Anyway, I was a little bored so I apologise for boring you as well with this awful rambling. I feel like eating a bowl of strawberries and cream so I’m going to acquire one somehow…. Bye!