Those of you who followed this blog throughout my first year of university will be aware of my love of wandering around London at night, and of being by the Thames.
There is a feeling of defiance in walking when you feel you could collapse at any second. When your legs are almost too heavy to move and your steps are slow and painful as your muscles (and your busted foot) scream and your energy levels reach negative values, there is a sense of strength and achievement each time your foot pushes off from the ground. Combine that with views of the city that stole your heart and refuses to return it, streets and sights that you are familiar with (and the overwhelming sense of home that results) and there is nothing, NOTHING that could ruin that moment (and nothing that could make me feel more… completely relaxed and content and ok). It kind of feels like defying reality, or at least escaping it for a while.
HK Uni Friend and I hopped on the central line at around 9:45 last night, and ended up at monument station. We took a slow walk through Southwark – across London Bridge and through Borough Market. The market was closed, but all the pubs and bars and restaurants around it were open and SWARMING with loud, overindulged (and far too drunk) city workers letting loose. We encountered a very well dressed businessman laying on the floor trying to punch a homeless man, while his extremely well dressed colleague tried to pull him off. Eventually, the violent drunk guy slumped backwards and sprawled out on the pavement motionless, his fancy suit now in all the dust and cigarette ends that were on the concrete beneath him. His friend apologised profusely to the homeless man before taking a picture of his unconscious colleague and attempting to pick him up and take him home.
London was not yet asleep, there was traffic everywhere and a ridiculous amount of city workers letting off steam. But it was nice. I felt extremely unwell, but it was easy to focus on something other than the anxiety that I’m starting to develop about becoming unwell and the effect it may have on university. It’s difficult to walk around knowing there is a life threatening emergency brewing in your veins. Without realising how tense I was, I ended up by the Thames again, and once again the huge mass of brown, salty water drowned the weight that was dragging me down and left me floating on a feeling I hadn’t been able to comprehend. Those are the kind of moments I want to capture and drag out forever. I was so much more unwell than I could admit. When I eventually returned home I stumbled a few steps into my room and I was out like a light. My health is far worse than I am willing to admit.
This morning I went to uni as normal, refreshed from my wandering and still smiling as I looked back through the photos. But photos were not enough to escape reality, and it hit me hard.
As I stood up at the end of the two hour lecture, my heart felt weird. I didn’t know quite what it was doing, but I couldn’t walk straight, I was dizzy and disorientated and I felt a weird sort of light headed. I went home and grabbed food before walking to Whitechapel with HK Uni Friend. In the middle of the supermarket there, my eyeballs felt warm and my vision started going, and my head felt like it does right before I pass out. I thought I was going, and my heart felt weird and eventually skipped a couple of beats, but it all made no sense to me. I didn’t stop, I sort of just hoped it would stop and carried on. Eventually I got an awful headache and began to get an ache in my chest as my heart raced far faster than it needed to. It continued to feel weird, and walking home was very, very difficult. I genuinely almost couldn’t walk, my body was just grinding to a heart, I felt like I was going to pass out, and my heart rate was very, very high. I didn’t know how I was moving. I got home and instantly just flopped onto my bed. The weirdness continued, and I realised acidosis is probably not my only significant concern right now.
I went down to reception as they were giving out big boxes of free stuff to residents (also because I decided I should probably tell them about my health, as I was that convinced I was going to pass out). I managed to lock myself out of my room and had to ask them to give me a key card to get back in. I felt like such an idiot, but luckily the first time this happens they help you out for free, so I got away with it this time. I bumped into the super attractive guy on my floor (who I met the other day) again, and he said hi once again (I was too awkward to find any other words to respond with, so our conversation stopped there).
My heart is still racing, which I think is responsible for how spaced out and dizzy I feel. There is a constant weird sensation there that I can’t even describe and I’m getting occasional palpitations as it hiccups, but nothing sinister or anything.
But this is not good. This situation, and my health right now, is not good. It might not sound too bad, but that’s because I don’t want to get all dramatic and I don’t want to spend paragraphs listing the severity of the situation. I’m out of it. I’m half asleep even when I’m awake. I can’t think straight, and there keep just being these gaps in time which I’m not even aware of unless I suddenly find myself in the middle of a road or I’ve walked into a wall or whatever. Breathing is such an effort, and I kind of know I’m going to need some serious help sometime soon. This is due to the creeping acidosis and the effects that having a lower than normal pH for the past few days has had on my body. The last think I need is for my heart to have a tantrum on top of this.
For now, time to go out again (I don’t think this is a good time to be alone). Uni Mum messaged me to arrange going for drinks sometime soon, and I may be going to stay with Auntie Godmother tonight as I messaged her, and in response my cousin asked me to stay the night with them…
This post was almost decent, and then I rambled and ruined it. But anyway…
No way but through.