I Never Thought I’d See The Day

I don’t like bothering people. I’m always terrified that people will walk away from me due to my health (because so, so many have) and it stops me burdening the friends I have now with the reality of the situations I end up in. I play things down, and when I’m in hospital few people usually know. My absence is not often noticed – people don’t message when they notice I’m not around, and I wake up to an empty message inbox on my phone. The people who do know have no idea how lonely I am, and have no idea that I’d sit and watch them walk past the hospital to go to lectures at the medical school. They had no idea how much it hurt to know they couldn’t be bothered to cross the road for me. But I can’t blame them. It just made me stop talking. Start hiding.

I never thought I’d see the day when I had the kind of friends that I have now. I handled things differently this time, I gave them a chance. They handled things better than I ever thought a group of 19-20somethings would. And I am so touched and blown away with their support and responsibility that I want to mention it here. I kind of just want to say what my friends did, how they acted, and how much it means, because I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that they care so much for so little reason (the middle bit is kinda boring, but the end is the bit that really really gets me).

WR Uni Friend took me to the hospital, and after I became too unwell for her to stay in the resuscitation unit with me, she sat in the waiting room for hours. Uni Pal joined her, sitting there for hours and leaving before I was “with it” enough for people to be allowed back to my bedside. They both appeared together later (Uni Pal brought refreshments), and stayed with me until the early hours of the morning when I was moved to a ward.

In that time, Uni Babe had messaged me to ask if I was conscious, and, getting no reply, concluded that I wasn’t. She’d known I was heading to the hospital, but had no idea when or if I’d made it, and apparently had visions of me lying in a ditch slowly dying. She called my accommodation (multiple times because they kept hanging up on her) and asked them to go and check my room. She then called the hospital and ended up on a wild goose chase of phone calls until she found out I was in A&E, at which point she calmed a little.

Something super weird happened. My phone filled with 18 messages as I laid there almost dying, and when I was with it enough to be able to sort of see and had the energy to hold my phone, I almost cried. I’ve never had that. Ever. I’ve never had people hear that I’m in hospital and care enough to message. News seemed to have spread a little among my close friends, and their concern was evident. It made me feel guilty, but it also moved me beyond belief.

Normally I’d have simply replied that I was fine but in hospital. One of the doctors told me that people needed to understand what had happened so that they could be there to support me in the way that I needed them to. He wrote a very long message in the notes section of my phone, and told me to copy and paste it to anyone who had messaged me as I laid there, when I was able to see well enough to read again. And I… Did. The next morning, I sent that message to anyone who had messaged me. I was honest with people about how bad things had been. WR Uni Friend had no idea, and had the night before been telling people I was fine (clearly she had no idea of the situation, which kind of makes me glad because she would have worried).

People decided to visit. My closest friends knew I was scared of hospitals but none other than Uni Babe could comprehend the true level of the fear. Even so, they decided that they didn’t want me to be alone, and I woke up the next afternoon to find WR Uni Friend and Uni Pal stood at the end of my bed. They brought chips  from the fish and chip shop. WR Uni Pal brought me her women’s rugby team jogging bottoms because I didn’t have any pyjamas. They sat there and did uni work. I tried to stay awake and thanked them over and over because I was so touched. After they left, HK Uni Friend appeared with a bag full of my favourite foods, and a bagel and some pastries from the 24 hour bagel place in Brick Lane that we often go to late at night. She didn’t want any money, and had clearly been on a hunt around some shops. It was all so surreal and I still can’t believe that people were so nice. I don’t understand it. It’s just me… But it meant the world. It meant THE WORLD. For the whole of visiting hours, I was alone for ten minutes.

The next day, Uni Babe showed up at the start of visiting hours. After a few hours, Italian Uni Friend and another uni friend who I’ve only known 3 weeks (the one who was just referred to my cardiology consultant) showed up, and they stayed for a couple of hours. They brought me food too. But most amazingly, they brought themselves, and I was so stunned I kept thanking them and asking why. By this stage people were just telling me to shut up. My old friend from sixth form turned up shortly after they departed, with a hot chocolate. She stayed until way past visiting hours. I sort of pushed her into sending and email to get some stuff sorted, and she’d brought me some adult colouring sheets from a little booklet on PTSD and nightmares and stuff that she had which had a list of grounding techniques and stuff that she thought might help me. Anyway I’ve made my point – I had a lot of visitors. People were just so thoughtful. I really don’t deserve them.

Another huge thing was the fact that I made a group chat specifically to update people about the hospital situation. People kept asking, and messaging was so exhausting that it was easier just to post to them all at once. A couple of extra people asked to be added. I don’t normally update people on stuff, but it was actually really good to have their support, and everybody wants me to keep the group chat so that if I end up in hospital again I can easily let them all know. I don’t usually tell people stuff. I don’t usually say what’s going on. It was weird to actually do that. But it helped me, and I knew that in a group chat all my friends could support each other through whatever I told them, which made it easier for me to tell them how serious the situation got.

I also messaged Auntie Godmother, and called my grandparents to let them know. My parents never usually tell anyone, and they don’t want me to tell our family members if they haven’t, which often really annoys my family members when weeks later they find out how unwell I’ve been because I see them and just sort of mention it. This time I didn’t ask for permission. I didn’t care. I’m 20. I don’t live at home. It’s my life and they are my family too and they had every right to know. My parents didn’t even tell my little brother I was in hospital, and I needed to not feel invisible in this family any more. They deserved to know. Auntie Godmother is like a second mum to me and when she told me how much they love me (in response to me getting all slushy and telling them how much I love them and that their house feels like my home) I felt all the feels.

When I was let out of hospital, Uni Babe and Portsmouth Uni Friend sat in my accommodation with me for a few hours because I felt weird and told our group chat that didn’t really feel safe to be alone. Uni Babe helped me pack my bags up and carried one of them out to my mum’s car when she showed up. She calmed me down when I lost my cool at the sight of an ambulance. And she had the best idea anyone has ever had. She’d been thinking a lot, because the situation on the day of my admission had made her very uncomfortable. She started talking about finding a way to know where I am. She’d really been thinking about it – she mentioned bracelets that you could just press and they called 999. She mentioned tracking and stuff. In the end she posted on the group chat suggesting that we all downloaded an app called Life360.

It’s a tracking app with a group chat feature, which shows other people in your group an accurate location of where you are (each person pops up in a little bubble and it shows an exact location on a map which also shows a satellite image if you want). It also shows them the battery level of your phone, and whether or not your GPS is turned on etc. so that people don’t freak out if you don’t reply because your phone is dead or whatever. It lets you ask people to check in, and you can set it to send a notification to all members of the group when you reach a certain place. She wanted us all to download it so that if anything happened to me they’d know where to direct help to, and who was closest to me (I mean. HOW. Mature). I thought that would be a super bother, especially as the others might not have wanted their direction broadcast to us all, but six or seven people downloaded it and joined the family group Uni Babe had made (in which I am named simply as “Superhuman”). One person who wasn’t in the group chat even asked to join our family group thing on the tracking app when I told her about what a great idea I thought it was. I’m not sure how I feel about such an invasive thing  (MOVED BEYOND BELIEF but also a little stalked), but it is a really good idea, especially if I go for a run or whatever or something happens to me. I’m super impressed at how responsibly and practically my friends were thinking though, and how committed they seem to be. It’s so, so strange to me. I feel like we’re properly adults right now, I feel like I have an extra family. I cannot believe I have friends like this. I never thought I’d ever have that and I’m still terrified that like everyone else they will walk/drift/be pushed away. I’m scared of that. I’m scared to settle into the comfort of their awesomeness because they are so incredible that I know I don’t deserve them and I dread the day they realise that.

I never ever thought I’d have friends like this. Ever. And weirdly enough they seem to think I’m a good friend because I keep asking about them and trying to be there. They say it’s touching. But until they’ve experienced the kind of friendship that they provide, they don’t know the meaning of the word. I honestly can’t believe people care so much about me with no reason to. I still can’t understand it, I can’t accept it. It makes me feel unnerved and weird and guilty… But I like it. I feel like I matter a little.

I handled things differently this time and I felt like such a bother. But my friends handled it differently too. They were beyond amazing.

I never thought I’d see the day.

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