This Time It Was For Me

At the moment, the title of this post and the accompanying image say it all. I’m raw and reeling and still in the critical care unit of a hospital that has now saved my life twice in as many weeks. I have so many thoughts and things to relay that I can’t make a proper post right now. I’m an emotional mess, I’m lost, and I don’t know how to do this any more. I’ve written notes, I’ve thought thoughts, I’ve cried more tears than I’d care to admit. In a few days, if I’m still on the planet, I’ll probably write a few long, and very therapeutic (for me, most definitely not you guys) posts. Until then, know that I’m alive. And that I no longer know how I feel about that fact. Which means I don’t know how to feel about myself. I am angry at my body for the importance of the moments it has taken from me, I am angry at the world, I am angry at myself, and behind that anger is whatever on earth you call what I am actually feeling. They saved my body, and that’s where they stopped. I’ve no idea where I went or where I am. 

Right now I’m so far from alright that all the money in the world couldn’t buy me a taxi fare back to there (yet an ambulance managed to get me here in minutes).

I’ll post soon.

No way but through is what I know I should put. But I can see no way right now.

I can see no way.

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6 thoughts on “This Time It Was For Me

  1. If you are referencing your PTSD: you will get through this! You handled last time very well! Life is worth living. Right now, you are mourning the loss of the moments taken away, which is a healthy and normal reaction, however please don’t forget that life is worth living! Your path might be different than what you had planned, but that doesn’t automatically make it better or worse than the original path, even if it is disappointing right now.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh, I wondered what had happened! So sorry to hear this. Write when you feel better and until then rest, rest, rest as much as you can in the circumstances. At the moment you don’t need to do anything – just be. We’re all here rooting for you so for now it’s ‘no way but through’. x

    Liked by 1 person

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