In some sort of superhuman feat, I woke up 12 minutes before my lecture this morning and six minutes later was leaving my room in a half-asleep sort of zombie state to go and listen to an hour of physiology. In my defence, we usually have those lectures on Tuesdays, and I had been up until 4am on the phone to my friend (more like BROTHER because we were so close) from sixth form. We hadn’t messaged for over a year, and he dropped me like a hot potato in our last year of sixth form when he got a girlfriend, but he’s broken up with her and he was in a bad place… And I just wanted to go back to old times.
I forgot how well he knew me. At uni I have to explain the past to people before they understand the way I am now, but he lived through the past with me, he knows me so well that it was spooky but SO NICE for someone to just see through everything and just know how I work and… Who I am (nobody here really knows, I put a guard up that I cannot take down, and I’m always away from them). We started off talking about how he was, then how I was, then we had a big long catch up and then we just ended up hysterically laughing for hours. We reached a level of immaturity that we both admitted we hadn’t been reduced to since we last spoke (and could not display around any other human), and it was amazing to be able to talk like that right away after so long not speaking at all. It was the familiarity my brain has been craving, it was like going back to sixth form, and we laughed and talked about all the funny stuff and how we used to drive our biology teachers mad by just laughing all the way through lessons. He wants to meet up over the Christmas break, and damn it I’ve missed his hugs. We are SO close that he was basically my brother. He always used to say he loved me like a sister, and his family are so nice even when we’d play darts and mine would bounce off the wall and nearly impale us all.
After lectures I did something I’ve been meaning to do for ages. I filled out an extenuating circumstances form to officially declare all the work I’ve missed. It was such a faff, but it’s not even that I’d been consciously putting it off, I just hadn’t been able to find any importance in anything enough to take action. I was kind of anxious that in putting it all in writing I was giving the university bullets to end my uni life with. But I missed a tutorial and still produced the essay that was set in it so… I feel like I’ve done myself a favour there. SC Uni Friend sat with me, and we had a fight with one of the many huge printing machines to make it photocopy the medical evidence I had to provide, but after an hour long battle with the entire process, I went and handed in the stupid thing.
And then I’m not really sure what happened. I went back to my flat and planned to wait until it got dark in the afternoon and go and see Kew Gardens at Christmas or something. I decided that I am going to go to the Hunterian Museum tomorrow (it’s a museum at the Royal College of Surgeons that is just FULL of preserved anatomy specimens and surgical equipment, including some pretty AWESOME and significant stuff) because going to the Natural History Museum yesterday made me realise that I was mostly specifically there to see the preserved brain and spinal cord, and I feel that now I’m all adult and anatomy obsessed, I should seek out a place that my brain will find as awesome and mind blowing as it used to find the Natural History Museum’s basic human biology exhibit.
One minute I was sat on my bed trying to plan these things… And then all of a sudden I was waking up feeling drugged and slow… and it was 7pm. So… That went to plan (not).
I’m trying to get out and do something every day because I’m mostly just trying to switch my brain back on and taking myself to places that I’m hoping will ignite some sort of ANYTHING. I don’t want to shut myself off and just stew in the stagnant state I seem to be stuck in. I’m just trying to figure out how to fully function again, because at the minute there is no importance in anything.
I realised last night when on my super long phone call, that this Tuesday was the first time I’ve ever missed a lecture just because I couldn’t find motivation or importance or… A care in the world. Usually the only occasion on which I will miss a lecture is if I physically can’t get out of bed. Although it’s basically a rite of passage for any student, it should probably be a huge deal. It means things in my mind are probably worse than I thought, because my reason for living and getting out of bed in the morning… No longer gets me out of bed. Honestly, for the last year and a bit, university has motivated me and been my reason for doing anything really. Not only can I now not feel any interest in what used to be at times the only and most important thing my life, but nothing matters. At all. And I should probably have some sort of feeling about that, but I don’t.
A lot of people I know are broken at the moment in the same way that I used to be. They are struggling to cope, but they can function. They are still stressing about things and worrying about uni work which means that they can still find importance in at least something. Buckling under so much stress and being unable to cope is where I was for a few weeks, and it sucked and I hated it and I couldn’t cope… But I could feel. Looking back now, I realise that not all hope was lost, because the fact that I was stressing about things (like uni… And then after a while not uni but just… Not dying) meant that I still attached some importance to them.
And I mean… I’d like to find that again.
I have an assignment due in tomorrow (I mean to be fair I missed the lab but I still have to do the lab report at some point) and one due in on Friday, and then another one next Wednesday along with a test or two that are happening online next week… I have NO notes (I mean, I have some typed notes, but I haven’t made them full sentences and stuff or handwritten them and they are only for about 5 weeks… out of 11…) and also… I haven’t started working or revising for ANY OF IT. And I literally have no feeling about it. It just… Isn’t even a thing to my brain. As coping mechanisms go, this one isn’t so great. It’s keeping me alive and on the planet and most of the time not overwhelmed (unless social interaction has to occur) but… It’s going to wreck my life.
I feel like there is a heaviness in my mind now instead of a void (numbness to me feels heavy and deadened, the void was just light and airy and there was NOTHING in there at all. I can think now, just. I can talk. I can respond. Not fully function, but respond, so the void is gone), which means there is some sort of feeling or thought there, and there’s now enough of that for me to be able to act normal. Words are just sounds, easy to make and harder to mean. I’ve re-learned how to plaster on a tone, and how to make it sound like I’m talking about something when I’m talking about nothing. It’s giving off an illusion that the few people I can deal with being around at the minute seem to have fallen for well. It isn’t healthy, it really is the wrong thing to do, and it means I won’t get the support I need, but it’s literally that or I can’t talk at all and my brain is just all ASDFGHJKL.
I am trying very hard not to do… Nothing.