I’m hearing very little from uni people at the minute. Multiple deadlines in one week with several more looming in the next has stressed some of my friends out to the point that they’ve been on the verge of passing out because they are so worked up, and others to the point that they are so stressed they just don’t care any more (I’m told by SC Uni Friend, because I haven’t been interacting with most other humans). And when people are like that, when they get so wrapped up in uni stress, in assignments that ultimately don’t matter… It’s so easy to fade to nothingness, to become insignificant and temporarily forgotten, especially when hanging out with you is a lot of effort because your brain can’t human (trigger warning… wow I’m getting bored of typing that).
I don’t blame people at all for that – I am not making efforts to reach out because I can’t, and I find it extremely difficult to be around all but a select few people at the minute, so I understand that I’m too much effort and too hard to understand. I didn’t have to push people away, they walked away from the void that I became. They said they wouldn’t, but they faded like everybody does. And I don’t blame them. But I mean… When people are like that, when all of this is going on… It’s so easy to come to the conclusion that nobody would notice if you were gone. It’s so easy to think that this would be the perfect time, to look at your uncle with his brand new baby or your friends buckling under uni stress, everybody blinkered by something insignificant (although not my uncle, because my baby cousin is a BIG deal and her birth is a huge event to our entire family, so maybe that was a bad example to use) and wonder if or how they could ever have any idea what situation you’re in right now.
And out of the blue, all of a sudden, I wanted to be gone. I didn’t get out of bed until about 3pm. I kept trying to kick myself into gear, to start the work that sat open on my laptop in front of me, to go out and try to do something. But there was nothing in my brain. No… Anything. So I gave up on the idea of going out. I almost gave up waiting for my friend who has delayed by hours because university is an idiot. And I sat by the window on the sixth floor by the lift, and I just watched the planes take off from London City Airport, and I watched people walk through the park, and I sank.
This heaviness settled within me. It was familiar, and it came from nowhere, but it was not the end result of a thought process and an emotional rollercoaster as it usually is – this time it was the start point. My brain temporarily switched on its ability to feel slightly more emotion, and immediately I sank. Tears welled in my eyes and I had no idea why because there was no full emotion, no feeling strong enough or defined enough to hold onto and figure out. I sat there, feeling heavy, so heavy that I wanted whatever was dragging me down to just take me and not stop until I was six feet underground. I couldn’t human, I couldn’t face people. I ached, but not physically. I ached for the end. And it felt like the perfect time. Everybody was so wrapped up in other things that they wouldn’t miss me now, my brain told itself. But it didn’t have anything in it to act. It didn’t want to spend an eternity burning or being punished. It didn’t hold on, I didn’t hold on. Whatever had been in my brain left me, and I was too empty to do anything.
I met SC Uni Friend, and usually I can talk, usually meeting with her is ok because she can relate a lot and have logical discussions where she is so much more understanding and receptive than most about the way I feel. But today I was dead. I sat there and I could hardly find words. I sat there and this numbness burned through me, heaviness settling with it. And then that too left, and the void returned – the void I thought was behind me. I couldn’t work. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t human. I couldn’t help her with what she had opened up to me about earlier – I didn’t have the capacity for that. I couldn’t face the thought of going out with her and her partner tonight. But I knew I should, because I knew sitting alone in a room was bad for me.
But time keeps passing. I sit here doing nothing, and it feels like it lasts seconds but I look at the clock and it’s been an hour. And now somehow I’m half dressed and I’m supposed to meet them all in 15 minutes and I… I don’t know where I am. And I don’t know what to do. And I don’t know how to feel. And all this, this has sat beneath pretty pictures of London and stories of what I’ve been doing and it keeps going, it gets worse it gets more and more unpleasant and it goes on miles underground, into the pit of who I am.
My old brother-but-not-brother-but-really-good-friend from sixth form told me I’m a beautiful person (and then he put a kiss face and a load of extra “x”s after his message… and then after that he said that talking to me has been the highlight of his entire year…) but honestly, I’m more of a skid mark (also, my brain just CANNOT COMPUTE flirting right now or whatever it was, it cannot protect its own heart, it doesn’t want someone else’s in its hands)