Beyond The End

I never in a million years thought I would write the post you’re about to read. I was planning something different. I was planning an end. I was so low that finally there was nothing left of me that had any strength to keep clinging on with nothing to actually grasp. My existential crisis became more of a… decision, and I made the call to buckle under its unrelenting persuasion. I couldn’t find anything tangible. Couldn’t think of anything realistic to hope for. Was so defeated (hate using that word), so full of a (pathetic) despair that I was willing to do anything just to stop feeling so unwell for a moment. I wanted a break from a reality that I could no longer cope with, and could find nothing to help me handle. That’s not a luxury life grants often.

And then one of the girls I met at the Bastille concert asked me for my email address. It was late. I gave her my email. Shortly afterwards an email popped up in my inbox entitled “Bastille Union Chapel” which is where I’d seen them on the 22nd of May and also where my heart had rendered me a useless heap on the floor while they performed. It was from one of their management. I opened it. After a short “we heard you had to leave” message was a link. I clicked it. A video came up. A couple of members of Bastille sat in a room on chairs, and said hi to me. They said they were sorry I had to leave, they wished me well, and said I could go to any show I wanted. This was confirmed in a later email, and it doesn’t even matter that I can’t afford tickets.

I was (and still am) completely baffled. I wasn’t expecting anything like that to happen EVER and also I just really don’t feel like I deserve something like that because well… it’s just me, and my self hatred tells me someone else should get that experience in my place. 

Suddenly though, there was this genuine smile on my face, and this weird feeling so pleasant and foreign it was almost uncomfortable – happiness. I was happy. I still am. It felt like this huge thing built up within me fighting against the doom and gloom, and finally all the things eating me alive burned away and I took off. It felt like flying. It felt like freedom from chains my health had placed around my mind. I had been so empty and full of desperation and despair I was ready for the end, and suddenly there’s this smile that won’t leave. There’s something to hold on for, an end goal, a reason to the pointlessness it felt everything had become. I didn’t think I’d find that. I didn’t know how to be happy. I thought my heart had ruined everything. It feels weird to be happy. It feels wrong. It feels kind of unnerving but I can’t help it. I get to see that music live again. The thoughtfulness kind of hits me more than anything – that this girl I’d only just met messaged their management and made this happen, and it turns out my friends had been emailing and tweeting people too (I thought they were joking). 

Now suddenly I want the heart surgery to work, where before I’d been hoping the guy would slip and just set me free. I have this great thing to look forward to beyond the void I have to go through first. They’ve given me something to hold on for. 

People keep telling me I deserve this but I don’t. Far worse things happened in the world that night and it’s hardly the band’s fault that I had to leave, but this has happened at just the right time. Spooky. Undeserved. But SO AMAZING. I’m beyond grateful. Beyond appreciative. Beyond the end that I’d been planning.

Bastille – 1, Skippy (my heart) – 0

Oh how the tables have turned. Turns out Skippy couldn’t wreck things after all.

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26 thoughts on “Beyond The End

  1. Squeeee! Take THAT, Skippy!

    But yes…you do deserve this. You deserve to be happy. And reading about you smiling and being happy brings an enormous smile to my face!

    London Blogger Friend, people care about you. Your friends, even one you barely knew, cared about you enough to do what they could to give you another chance at seeing Bastille. Those lovely lads themselves cared about you enough to speak to you, and you only, directly. Yes, you’re one of many, many fans. But they were concerned enough about one of their dear fans to make sure she (that’s you) was ok and can see them again. There are good people like that in the world and they’re honored to know you.

    Let this be the thing you fight for. Let this be the thing that keeps you going.

    Walking out into the dark, cutting out a different path, led by a beating heart…

    Liked by 1 person

    • THIS COMMENT WAS SO AWESOME AND THEN YOU ENDED IT WITH A LAURA PALMER LYRIC AND IT GOT BETTER!

      You have no idea how amazing your words are. It doesn’t feel real and I can’t ever place enough value on myself to deserve anything anywhere near this which is why I’m struggling a little. I’m honestly just blown away a little. The thoughtfulness of so many people is just… confusing to me.

      It is the thing keeping me going. I was so defeated, so over everything and this is the thing to hold on to and for.

      Yeah so I can’t even this just doesn’t even feel real. I’ll have to reply when reality feels like a real thing again.

      My tickets for Imagine Dragons arrived yesterday and I’m so tempted to just say SCREW IT to my heart and attempt to go πŸ˜…πŸ™ƒ

      Liked by 1 person

      • Doooo it! Tell your brother you’re gonna chance it- what’s the worst that could happen? Same as Bastille? Works for me 😝

        Liked by 1 person

      • Hahah it might work for you but it doesn’t work for me or my doctors at all. It’s easy to kind of underestimate how bad things were unless you know details (which I never share πŸ˜‰). None of us want a repeat of Bastille, my heart couldn’t handle the heat and the not being able to stop and rest and left me unconscious for about ten minutes while it struggled and rebelled having essentially beat itself and me into the ground. Spending 16 hours in a resuscitation unit wasn’t my idea of fun, nor was the pain or the inability to walk due to what I can only call a cardiac protest each time I tried. A lot of people were very concerned and apparently with reason. I’m stupid if I take a risk knowing that could be the outcome. Looking into selling the tickets. I’d rather have stayed conscious and out of hospital at that Bastille gig than end up going through what I went through after that gig. Things have become a lot worse and actually rather scary. I can’t risk it all for a couple of hours seeing Imagine Dragons. Physically and mentally I can’t deal with any more heat tantrums. The worst that could happen?… let’s not underestimate that one, or tempt fate by mentioning the possibilitiesπŸ˜‚. My heart is worse than it has been quite potentially EVER.

        A part of me shares your attitude. But Skippy wins this one. They’re standing tickets and I can hardly stand I’m so unwell, and I get out of breath just sat doing nothing etc. etc. I have to accept defeat here

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      • You’ve no idea how right about that you kinda are. Hearing about where we go next kind of rocked my world. I’m scared and already have started having nightmares about surgery, which are two things that don’t usually happen EVER. The internet doesn’t seem to have heard of what they want to try it’s that ridiculous. The video message from Bastille didn’t stop me falling into the abyss like I thought it might, but it cushioned the landing and turned on a light, and I’ve never had that before. So I’m trying to shut everything else and cling to that, but a lot of the time I’ve just had enough, and I don’t know how to keep up with this, and I can’t take it any more, and I want an end. And those are the moments when this statement is kinda right. Maybe my heart has won. Maybe the thing that beats within me has beaten me.

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  2. Haha, I’m glad my words are helpful to you. I wish my own words were as helpful to me! I tend to tear myself down all the time, but I think that’s a common thing among people who suffer a lot.

    What are your favorite Bastille songs? Mine are probably Pompeii, Laura Palmer, Laughter Lines, The Silence, The Draw, and Fake It. I’m kind of old-school Bastille, haha. I haven’t listened to Wild World much, to be honest, since it was released at a weird time in my life. I saw them in concert three years ago, so their set was fairly limited at the time. But it was still AWESOME. πŸ˜„

    Liked by 1 person

      • I listened to Bastille and let the sounds take me somewhere else until I was ready to deal with it all. I’ve found myself completely detached and in an unhealthy amount of denial but I’ve got a grip. Just keep thinking of seeing Bastille again. Need somewhere like that for my thoughts to go

        Liked by 1 person

      • That’s good- when dealing with difficult stuff, you need somewhere to retreat to mentally. And denial isn’t a bad thing as long as you don’t accept it as truth. Denial is a normal stage in dealing with tough situations that helps to shelter your mind at first from what you don’t want to accept. It gives you time to start processing. Then, when you’re ready, you can move on to acceptance. Keep using Bastille as your mental retreat…or your mind palace, if you will. All the hugs. πŸ’—

        Liked by 1 person

      • They gave me a “this isn’t something we like to do in 21 year olds or have really done” kind of option. It’s pretty drastic and beyond the last resort new idea that we tried before. Luckily this guy is one of the only people who’d ever be prepared to try it. It’s a big big deal. I’ve been told to think about it and then email. It’s not a standard surgery (we’ve exhausted all the standard options). Because of my anatomy he was unable to remodel parts of my heart from the inside and also doesn’t feel he’d have much success going through my chest to attempt the same thing, again due to my anatomy. So I wait for another general anaesthetic and hope I wake up at least a little better this time. This is it though. If this doesn’t work that’s it – my heart wins. So we’re all hoping. Apparently it’s about quality of life now, and I’d like to have a better one.

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  3. You deserve a better heart ❀️

    I supposed with the pancreas of doom and kidneys that take offense easily that you’re not their ideal candidate for a transplant.

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    • We might still tame Skippy yet!

      Had three appointments in two days and really struggling with the way things are. Just hope the surgery goes ok and I make it to that Bastille gig because honestly there are times when that’s all I’m living for. And then I’ll see what happens. My kidneys and Skippy irritate each other a lot. I have other, complex issues going on that nobody can manage and that make managing things enough to remain alive rather difficult at times. In reality, the heart is a fraction of my worries. Right now it’s just at the forefront of my thoughts again because it’s been flexing its muscles (no pun intended).

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      • Whoops, my bad πŸ€— I know sometimes writing helps you process information and sometimes remembering that you are not all alone in the world can be helpful ❀️❀️ I regret nothing ::runs off cackling::

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      • Writing was helpful in that it allowed me to release some of the pressure, bit I really didn’t know how to communicate the latest heart news or most of the emotion behind it. It’s one of a few big issues in my thoughts at the moment but Skippy was the easiest to dissociate myself from and therefore the easiest to write about. Right now Skippy is having a tantrum so I think I may be about to pass out, but hey. I blogged. And it felt kinda nice to make sense of myself. Pulled me back down to earth a bit

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  4. You get to be who you are. Sometimes that means that you share your own health news. Sometimes that means that you talk about your family or current events. Sometimes that means you introduce me to a new song. Your voice is important.

    Liked by 1 person

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