I Don’t Know How

I am currently wearing a hospital gown (something I avoid at all costs because it makes me feel like a patient instead of a human being) having consented to the procedure I don’t know how to face. My veins are filled with EVIL IN IV FORM (so soon I’ll feel like death warmed up) and I’m waiting to be called to theatre. The clinical director is going to slice open my chest. Just your casual Thursday afternoon then.

What changed? I don’t know. After my last post I spoke to one of my best friends, and then my mum, and then I broke down to a level that was alarming. Never in my whole life have I cried like I did then. It took over almost like a physical thing and I couldn’t stop. I felt such an intense despair that I didn’t know how to human. But maybe when you sink far enough, you hit the seabed and find your feet again, lower than before but no longer sinking. I put in my headphones and listened because I didn’t know what else to do. Various artists played through my headphones, and the sound was kind of soothing; but then we hit the Bastille section of “perfection in a playlist” and I just… stopped. Everything stopped actually. I stopped melting down and felt the deadness settle in place of the despair. Utterly defeated, totally drained, nothing left to give and no me left in my brain but no longer bursting and breaking under a helpless and alarmed despair. This situation was more manageable, less distressing… and it allowed logic to prevail.

My nurse walked in as I sat there completely drained, and with Bastille still playing, I took a deep breath and (while kind of wincing) I hesitantly told him I’d go ahead with the procedure. Because I want to. Because I need to. I don’t know how to face it, but we all want it to happen. He smiled and gently asked if I’d let him give me EVIL IN IV FORM and in my moment of defeat I also agreed. A doctor walked in to take bloods. I sank inside but hid a headphone in one ear and played Pompeii on repeat. I’m not sure why that haunting song is so powerful, but I’m not going to question its effect on me. It helped. I sank inside. I held back tears, and I clung to those lyrics. This whole situation is an endless cycle, a stagnant disaster. Nothing is changing. We aren’t winning. The lyrics fitted that.

The doctor who came to consent me was not optimistic at all. He seemed to expect them to find the worst case scenario (because that’s the way things look), and explained that the decision to go ahead with this had not been made lightly and without the whole thing taking place ultimately I could end up dead. Luckily logic was still in charge, even though I crumbled inside and my brain tried to curl up and hide and it was far, far too much to deal with. 

He started explaining that they’d had a meeting and a few procudures had been cancelled so they could fit me in. I left my brain switched off, stayed dead inside to stop the tears that welled in my eyes from falling, focussed on the Bastille t-shirt at the end of my bed (it comes with me on every admission because I’ve decided that thing may have magical powers and actually I just love the artwork on it because it’s an awesome parrot design), didn’t let the whole “we may make a hole in your lung or your heart” talk freak me out, and only looked up to sign on a dotted line. 

I’m not doing this for me, I’m doing it for my family and friends and for the people who I may be able to help by being well enough to carry out my plans to raise money for charity. I don’t know how I’m going to do this. I’m terrified. When I wake up I’m going to be in pain all over again and mentally I don’t know how to face the impact that has on my mind. I don’t know how to face putting my life in their hands and being unable to control what they do. 

I don’t know how I’m doing this, I feel the same way as before but it’s suppressed right now. And I just need to get through, for everyone else. 

The situation with my physical health is like a boulder rolling down a hill behind me. It’s gathering speed, it’s going to flatten me. I can’t jump out of the way and my brain’s reaction seems to have been to curl up in a ball and dig a hole in hopes of being less flattened by what is about to happen. But for some reason right now, and I’ve no idea how, it values the people that care about it (and the people it could raise money to help) enough to get up and run for my life, to make efforts to prevent the worst case scenario from occurring. Who knows if we’ll be fast enough? But these doctors are doing their best. They have thrown everything at that boulder to try and smash it, thrown me lifelines that snap as soon as they begin to pull, and after today I may or may not have to have a general anaesthetic in a week or two in which they’ll try to break the boulder again. We’ll know for sure after this little procedure. 

My brain has stopped trying to pedal its way through and abandoned the bike with the slipping chain. It’s running. It’s letting these people fight for it and surrendering itself to the unpleasantness that it knows will leave me mentally spent. It’s running on broken legs, but it’s running.  I don’t know how.

And I don’t need to. I just need to not get caught. One foot in front of the other until the danger passes. And hopefully no more bad news – there’s been too much of that. 

No way but through.

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