3am Freakout (but it’s… good!)

3am. Wake up hurting. Wake up shaking and sweating and electric with fear. Another nightmare, no doubt about a hospital. Without really thinking, I play Pompeii and breathe a little easier as the sound of Bastille overrides the roar of my panic. What are all these notifications on my phone? The girls from the Bastille gig are freaking out about something. I’m being told to watch something in a separate conversation with one of them (the wonderful human who has travelled all the way from Manchester to see me). My IV pump alarms. I look to find 4 infusion sets snaking downwards and only three pumps. I stumble to the bathroom because the room itself feels way too big to be freaking out in and I don’t want to be anywhere near a hospital bed.

I go back to bed and glance sleepily at my phone. I see a message telling me to “WATCH THIS.” I’m like I’m terrified about tomorrow, I’m so so low, but she’s happy and that’ll make me happy. I expect it to be a YouTube video. And then I open the chat. And now my nurse is all

“How am I going to get you to sleep now?”

“I have never seen you this happy!”

“You’re wired!”

Because my friend, who came all the way from Manchester to visit me and spent the last two days sat in this hospital, went to a gig last night and met DAN SMITH (lead singer of Bastille, the band who make the music that saved all the parts of me that medicine kind of forgot / broke). And she got him to make another video for me (turns out she’s also been tweeting at him to come and visit me, which is just beyond adorable of her). I feel bad because he was just out trying to be a normal human and enjoy some free music, but also… This was SO well timed and as a result of that video, right now I just don’t care about my health situation. The reality that was eating me alive is buried beneath some words from a human who created the music that saved me. Yes, I may be sliced open within the next 12 hours but WHO CARES?! Yes, this situation is terrifying and overwhelming and I cannot deal with it but I DON’T HAVE TO FACE THOSE THOUGHTS RIGHT NOW. They are buried. They are down below rock bottom and I am up in the clouds. Because of a complete stranger with an incredible musical brain.

This is now the talk of the ward. I have been so sad that my consultant came in on his day off. I have been breaking to the point that everyone else was breaking with me. And when I saw that video (which started with my friend and then suddenly Dan Smith was on my phone screen and my sleepy brain took a while to acknowledge that he’d just said my name) I was so happy that people came running because they thought something was wrong because I spoke so loudly. 

I am beyond grateful. (My nurse is like “you were finally getting a good night’s sleep and now it’s ruined” but she also appreciates how amazing this is to someone who appreciates the music imagined by that man’s brain). 

Also, I’m smiling. Didn’t think I’d ever do that again. I’m smiling and it’s now past 4am and I just… I feel like I can face today now. I feel like I can face anything as long as this feeling stays, and if it doesn’t I’m just so glad it arrived for a little bit. It’s the break I needed. Bastille – back at it again with the saving me from my own mind.

That is all (please someone freak out with me because THE FEELS).

I am SHOOKETH. I really don’t deserve such incredible friends and such nice things. Life’s been rubbing salt in the wound lately and now I have like… some chips (or fries if you’re American) to sprinkle the salt on – wow I’m sorry for that metaphor I’m too tired to effectively think any more.

GUYS.

Advertisements